Written by pinxit
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Sir,

I've had it right up to here!!

In my heyday as a young man I used to have it up a good couple of inches more. Right up to there! Honestly. But that's neither here nor there. It was there, but now it's here. So let that be an end to it. But what an end, eh? Even if I do say it myself. Thank you for asking.

Yours sincerely,

Laidlaw Adyebongo (Mrs), Tring.
..............

From @Puzzled_of_Pangbourne (via email)

Dear Editor, WTF?!?

..............

Sir,

Further to my original letter to you, to whit, having it up to here. I was unfortunately digressed and my main point may have been missed. Which was that I have had it up to here with all this "Dorking" smuttiness and innuendo.

Who are these Dorks? And why do they keep dorking on these pages instead of in the privacy of their own homes? Do they really think the readership of your magazine wants to hear about their tawdry peccadilloes?

I'm sure that, like me, they've had enough!! Although in my youth I never could get enough. Right up to there it was, thank you for asking.

Yours, sadly only up to here now.

Laidlaw Adyebongo (Mrs), Thong.

PS What is a 'WTF'?

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From @jade-licks-jam (via email)

i agree with missus ayebingo about this dorky thing. isnt' it agains the law or sum-fin??? i was shoked as well by misses adeybungo sayin these preverts do things to poor dum creatures like armydilos!! They tore the poor little things!!just like them pet shop boy bastids.u shud get in the RCSPA and bann them NOW. . !!!!!!$% psst.. Bet their speedofiles as well!!! LOLOOLOOOLZZZ :)))))

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Dear Sir,

I fear some of your readers may have got hold of the wrong end of the stick. Dorking is a place, not a pastime.

Yours,

Ernest Hodgkiss, Plomley Villas, Dorking, Surrey.

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From @jade-licks-jam (via email)

a place??!!? these purves do things to fishes as wellas ammadiloes!!!..?with sticks?.. ive told my dave about this an him an is mates say they will give htem a rite kikin.BANN THEM NOW!! xxx

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Dear editor,

I could not agree more with Mrs Adyebongo's assessment of the Dorkings situation. His ludicrous belief in evolution and devotion to the arch monkey Darwin is nothing short of insanity.

I would, however, prefer not to see him and his acolytes banned, so that their ludicrous claims can be challenged, debated and crushed by a superior intellect. Such as myself.

Yours, etc,

Gary Pootler, Bridlington, East Yorks.

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Dear Scum, It's been brought to our attention that you are hosting a site that promotes sickos who torture creatures with sharp sticks, kill and tear them - including armadillos, fish and monkeys - limb-from-limb (fin-from-fin in the case of our piscine brothers and sisters). We have added this heinous practice of so-called Dorking to our hit-list, to be dealt with 'extreme prejudice' by our members action force. Either pull the plug on these perverted fuckers or a lot of angry balaclava-clad people will be attaching your gonads to the table with a WH Smith stapler.

Love and peace man,

Peoples Front for the Liberation of Earwigs, (Bognor Branch).

WTF?!? [Ed.]

..............

To be continued...


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