Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Monday, 19 September 2011

image for The Yorkshire Puddin' - All T'News From Tha Neck O'T'Woods

Barnsley: Internationally renowned philosopher Archibald Cudworth is to publish his latest work Treatise On Yorkshire Self-Centrism As Lately Witnessed In God's Own County. "Aye, it's a reet long read," said the great thinker. "But in t'nutshell it boils dahn to 'see all, 'ear all, say nowt; eat all, sup all, pay nowt; an' if tha can get owt fer nowt, get it for thisen."

Bradford: Local boffin Joseph Priestley is claiming to have discovered a new element. Oxygen, as he has named it, is an invisible, odourless gas. "Nay, tha can't see it or smell it, reet enough, but tha needs it for t'breathin'," he says. Reet enough, Joe - we'll believe thee.

Ilkley: Diners at the noted Box Tree Restaurant are being advised not to go walking off their lunch on the local moor without headgear. "Tha's bound to catch tha death o' cold, on Ilkla Mawer bar t'hat," said veteran guide, Ned Rowbotham.

Wakefield: Diggory Braithwaite, of Potovens Lane, has returned from service in the Duke of Marlborough's armies, having seen action at Blenheim and Ramillies. "By 'eck," he told the Puddin', "tha could do thisen a mischief goin' away wi' that Churchill! I thought I were off for a toby around t'low countries wi' all t'lads - not faytin' t'bloody French tyrant Lewis wi' guns an'all!"

Whitby: Crowds lined the quay today to see the Transylvanian playboy celebrity, Count Dracula, who disembarked at the port. After a fish and chip lunch at the Quayside Caff, the Count and his entourage scaled the hill to see the famed Abbey ruins. "Aha - eet veel be gut ven eet ees feeneeshed," he joked with the local lovelies displaying their necks at him.

Whitby: Popular mariner James Cook returned to his home town to deliver a lecture on his adventures in the southern oceans at the Community Centre. "Ee, that Australia's full o' rum folk?" he said. "Everything the buggers utter sounds like a question?"

Woolley: Cricketing legend Geoffrey Boycott has been questioning the recent achievements of the England team, suggesting that their Indian opponents were "nowt to write home abaht." "My mother could've carted that bowling attack all ovva t'ground," he said. "An I'll tell thee summat else - my mother could bowl faster, an' all. In my day, when t'pitches weren't covered…" sadly, our reporter ran out of notebook.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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