Written by Karim Jessa
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Tags: Death

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

The following are excerpts from a news presentation given by the distinguished authority on Health and Medicine, Lafra Dablawala, PhD, of the Research Dept. of Bakwas Institute, one of the world's leading medical universities.

In a special report, the full details of which can be read in "The Ghanta Journal of Medicine," titled: "Death: Who Is At Risk?" the doctor says that results prove conclusively that all humans are at risk of dying at some point in their lives.

After preliminary remarks explaining the latest breakthrough in medical research which has confirmed the risk of death for humans, the session was opened to questions from journalists representing the major newspapers of the world.

Since the session got a bit out of hand due to the distress caused by the announcement, some journalists had to be forcefully ejected from the building.

Q: Are the findings quite conclusive on this matter of death?

A: Absolutely so. There is not slightest possibility of error. Death is a certainty for humans. Everyone is at risk.

Q: How great of a risk?

A: The odds are 100 percent for death.

Q: But surely with all the advancement in science, there must be some way of preventing such a fatality for humans.

A: We see no possibility of preventing death for the foreseeable future. I wouldn't raise my hopes too high.

Q: All these years Science has been promising to prolong life indefinitely, and now these disastrous findings. How do you explain it?

A: We've known it all along, but the results were suppressed because it was felt humans weren't mature enough to face the truth.

Q: Why reveal it now?

A: It's time to grow up.

Q: Doctor, have you heard of the mass hysteria and rioting that has been taking place in the major cities all over the world, due to the shock at the failure of science to produce the elixir of eternal life?

A: Yes, I've heard the news. I would advise people to remain calm, and face their inevitable death bravely.

Q: How about yourself? What was your response to the discovery?

A: I'm a Christian; I don't have to worry about death.

Q: Why don't the scientists try and learn from Christianity? I'm sure they wouldn't mind sharing their secret of eternal life.

A: As scientists we are bound by our code of honor not to take any help from religion in this matter.

Q: Coming back to science; we've been told that scientists have the solution to all the possible disasters threatening the world, except death. Can you elaborate on this.

A: Well, it is true. We have the know-how and the technology for all possible disasters. We've already found the way to turn back Global Warming. By 2020, with perfect hindsight, we shall look back to the empty threat of Global Warming.

Also we have found the way to prevent earthquakes. We have already begun cutting a rift stretching from the North to the South Poles. The space created by this rift will enable the movement of the landmass, and so prevent earthquakes.

We've already come up with vaccines for every possible disease. We already have artificial organs and limbs to replace any malfunctioning part of the body. We already have the biological computer which can be used as a transplant for the brain.

Q: With all these at our disposal, why is death still a threat?

A: We cannot break the code built into the human body. No computer can break that code. Humans will have to die.

Q: What would you recommend people do to face this calamity?

A: The answer is simple. We've been saying this for years. Regular exercise, healthy diet, regular sleep, no intoxicants, regular checkups, get all the vaccines, keep smiling, donate to charity, don't talk to strangers.

Q: And will this prevent or postpone death in any way?

A: Nothing can prevent or postpone death.

Q: Then why bother to do all these things, if they're not going to help?

A: Because of the economic consequences. If we announced the futility of doing anything to prolong life, there would be mass unemployment and business failure in all the industries which cater to health and wellness.

Q: But we've been told of miraculous cures, and feats of medical expertise which have been able to keep patients alive almost indefinitely.

A: I'm afraid we recently found out that the patients who were kept alive were those who stayed alive. The same treatments were ineffective where the patients died.

Q: Is there anyway, then, that anyone can live to be a hundred years old?

A: There have been significant results from studies which show that longevity postpones death. Based on that I'd suggest that you live longer. If you live to be a hundred years old, you will have postponed death.

Q: So there is some good news after all!

A: This is nothing new. This had already been discovered by the Early Stone Age. If you can live long enough, you can postpone death. But you cannot prevent it. For all those people out there panicking and rioting, I'd say, go back to your homes, and hang on to your lives.

Q: All in all, how would you sum up the findings and the consequences to humans?

A: After deep and prolonged reflection on the matter, and after much debate with my associates, there is a clear consensus that nothing has changed. Everything is as it was, except that now we are aware of it.

Dr. Lafra Dablawala then went on to discuss specific illnesses and other health issues. Due to limitations of space this information will be provided in next week's bulletin.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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