Ladies, do you suffer from painful periods? Is your monthly flow a bit of a handful?
Then why not try Scunthorpe Industrial Chemicals' new duck hormone treatment.
Simply inject yourself with the duck hormones three times a day and eat nothing but small bread cubes, and you'll see results within months.
Soon your reproductive system will regress to a more primitive state, your body will begin producing the necessary chalk for making eggshells, and you will begin laying eggs.
Susie B from Macclesfield was impressed. "I was impressed," she said. "I never guessed my period would be over so quickly. Now I just lay three to four eggs a day over the course of a week and that's it."
Tracey N from Coventry agrees. "It was hard at first. Especially the first few weeks when all my teeth fell out. But then I started to grow my stump beak and everything went swimmingly."
Why don't you try Scunthorpe Industrial Chemicals' duck hormone treatment today? Only £999.99 per gallon.
Warning: Not suitable for ducks. It is a criminal offence to eat a human egg, whether fried, boiled, scrambled or made into an omelette. Product may cause quacking, feathering and loss of beak.