Written by Roy Turse
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Wednesday, 7 September 2011

image for "Carol Vorderman's" Consolidated Loans and Leg Brokerage "Our collector brings lots of pound coins round in a sock - just in case we don't have the right money"

Do you have debts? Do you struggle to repay what you owe? Do you worry about your health and that of your family?

If so, you are not alone. Thousands of people are in the same boat. It seems like everyone is after your money doesn't it? And there is never enough to go round.

Well some people have discovered a way to get help.

"Carol Vordeman's" Consolidated Loans and Leg Brokerage offer a new way forward. We remove the worry associated with all those complex payments and wrap up all your debts into one simple package. Now you can Consolidate With Carol.

We assign you your own personal advisor and you will probably get to know him well when he comes round to advise you. All our advisors are professionals - registered with the Licenced Threateners Association - and are guaranteed to leave no unsightly marks.

All we ask is that you pay us the correct amount each week, plus any accumulated interest. And don't worry if one week you can't make a payment. You may be out of action for a while, but you will receive a complimentary blue badge allowing you to park wherever you like. And you can consolidate all your beatings into a single monthly beating at a time and place that suits you.

Concerned about your credit rating? Well don't be. We can arrange the transfer of assets such as motor vehicles or children to an undisclosed address until the loan is paid. Just think of the peace of mind that will provide us.

As an added service, if you are concerned about demands from other agencies, you can take out our optional protection insurance. For a small additional monthly fee we can make sure you are not bothered by other loan companies. We will even rinse down your drive and provide you with statements for the police.

Our easy payment plans offer some of the best rates in the industry, but if you are a home owner with a cellar, or you have good-looking grown-up daughters, you may be eligible for our special deals.

So don't delay - call us at "Carol Vordeman's" Consolidated Loans and Leg Brokerage, and Consolidate With Carol. Our operators are waiting for your call right now, and this is a deal you cannot refuse. Remember, you may be paying as little as £2 a month today, but your family will still miss you when you've gone.

If you are still in any doubt, just listen to what some of our customers have to say:

"I saved £2.75 a month just by spreading my payments over a much longer period. It turns out your children can inherit your debts." - Mr. H, Streatham.

"My George is well on the mend now, and by arranging to pay out his disability allowance by direct debit we get a 1.5% discount." - Mrs B, Rickmansworth.

"Our advisor Tim and his dog Satan showed us how we could offset our loan against our heating bills. That way, the electricity gets cut off, not our fingers." - Mr & Mrs K, Peterborough.

"I was late with a payment once. My husband was struggling to keep his head above water. So I had to pay up really." - Mrs W, Sutton.



"Carol Vordeman's" Consolidated Loans and Leg Brokerage. We really care about payments.



APR %50270 representative. Unwritten terms and conditions apply. Members may incur charges at the prevailing voltage. Your home may be at risk from petrol. Ask about our family dental plan. "Carol Vordeman's" Consolidated Loans and Leg Brokerage is unlicenced by the Financial Services Authority, and is not owned by or connected with Carol Vordeman in any way. We insist on the best so we only use Bosch power tools.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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