Written by Dan Barash
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Thursday, 18 January 2007

Are you concerned that your colleagues may catch on to your rampant incompetence? Always paying for drinks and giving your boss foot massages will only work for so long. Using proper email etiquette is an effective way to fool coworkers into overlooking your obvious lack of skills, motivation, and proper grooming. Here are some email etiquette hints.

Do not send mass emails to everyone in the organization
Most people do not know who you are and have no interest in hearing from you. People who know who you are even less interested in hearing from you. The only time you should send a mass email is when you have an especially funny or offensive joke.

Do not end your office romance using email
This is impersonal and rude. It is better to soften the blow by calling in sick and asking your boss to break the news.

Have a meaningful subject line
A subject of "deadline" is vague and not meaningful. A better subject would be "stick that deadline up your butt".

Do not write email in all caps
Many people interpret this as screaming, or will think you are too stupid to realize your Caps Lock is on. If you need to yell at a colleague, go to their desk and do it in person.

Be sure to close all your emails with "Thanks!" or "Have a great day!"
Yes, this is pointless and annoying, but so is everything else you do.

That's probably all you can handle for now. Go back to playing solitaire.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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