London: Cameron stocks up with New IBM Brain Chip in his latest battle against the 'sick society' that plagues the UK inner cities.
Government officials moved swiftly today to bring some hope to the UK's riot torn communities, following the announcement by IBM of The Worlds First Brain Chip.
The processor, about the size of an ants unerect penis, mimics human brain patterns and can be implanted in the recipients brain and be pre-programmed with certain commands.
Head Honcho at IBM, Bill Apple, said the chip was a breakthrough in technology and said ultimately this was the first real move towards the worlds first Robohuman.
"Yeah there's a whole bunch of possibilities for the chip, which we can program any which way we feel. Positive things, like programming the Ultimate Killing Machine, spooking magicians out by actually making them think their magic is real and forcing macdonlads staff to say 'please' and 'thank you' every SINGLE GODDAMN time"
Apple explained that as the riots spread throughout London, Manchester and Birmingham last week, the UK government ordered several thousand of the new chips, only for IBM to reprogram the chips with a much simpler piece of software, BASIC, a popular programming language from the 70's & 80's, given the low intelligence of the Looters and Rioters.
"Yeah, we had to change our software as the complex algorithms originally running in the Brain processors could confuse the looters by asking them too many difficult questions, like "what is 6+3?". That's why we reverted back to BASIC and if that can play hangman on an old Commodore 64, then it'll do for the UK's inner city losers and bruisers"
Shown below is the BASIC Language code that Bob and the gang programmed into the chip, specially written with the looters in mind. It involves making contact with the looters brain and taking it over, almost virus like, with positive, squeaky clean algorithms.
10 - INPUT "Why did you rob, steal, loot and smash up your own city & people?: ", U$
20 - IF_OUTPUT EQUALS "Cos it was a laugh, innit and der was nuffin to do." - RUN QUESTION2;
30 - INPUT_QUESTION2 - "Is there any hope for you to get a job?: ", N
40 - IF_OUTPUT EQUALS "a job? Der arnt no jobs. lolz... yous avin a laff innit" THEN RUN MCC.EXE
50 - RUN MYLEEN_CLASS_CLEANUP.exe Initiate = 1 TO N
60 - IF "MCC NEUROVERSION 7 Installed in your Brain" is SET.... RUN QUESTION3;
70 - INPUT_QUESTION3 - "What things do you like doing?"
80 - IF_OUTPUT = "I Like caring, sharing, listening, understanding and rabbits, they're kinda cute" THEN REBOOT TO COMPLETE CONVERSION to MYLEEN_CLASS_OS.
90 - IF_OUTPUT = "You is talkin shit innit man", A$
100 - THEN GOTO 10 RUN "RINSE_&_REPEAT"
110 - IF_ALL_ELSE_FAILS RUN 30SECBOMB_COUNTDOWN.EXE
120 - INITIATE 30SECBOMB_COUNTDOWN.EXE
130 - TERMINATE - BOOM!
140 - END
Meanwhile as News broke from across the Atlantic, David Cameron, answering questions in the House of Common Thieves, told his fellow ministers and some women MPs who happened to be there, that implantations would start almost immediately.
"ZE process startz now" began Mr Cameron, sounding initially like an SS Commander, before steadying himself and softening his tone "We have stocks of the chip ready to implant.......... as soon as we can convince surgeons to work a 23 hour day, we'll clear the backlog........ And if that doesn't help, we'll get the Army in to do it" boomed Cameron, which led to rapturous cheers from the Tory half of the Chamber.
Labour Leaders were less impressed and asked the government if they would consider bringing in a chip for the various bankers, MPs and top level Businessmen who find it hard not to swindle money off the taxpayer and into their own back pockets.
"Our urgent priority is the bigger picture", smirked Cameron "Our big society... in which we all play a part. Don't forget, insurance premiums are set to rocket as a result of this, so get on some insurance stocks as soon as you can" winked Dave as he was cheered and jeered by friend and foe alike.
"We often get accused of forgetting the poor, but here we are offering to help them out... for a while at least....... and what do those lot opposite do, bring up a few individual misdemeanour's from a couple of people, back in the day............ when you could make some real good money".
Milliband nasally blasted him back....
"Your looters get Million Pound Bonuses, Knighthoods, peerage and pensioned off with huge sums of money"
Cameron stuck his nose in the air,
"Your little rats run around our cities thieving cigarettes, alcopops and sweets and to cap it all off, the training shoes they steal, they can't even match them up, what hope have they got of getting a job there" joked Cameron.