Written by Indy87
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Tuesday, 16 August 2011

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You entered that classy late bar where all the Erasmus students drink cider and discuss Descartes.

You told yourself that you were building bridges and preparing for life as a diplomat. 'Sure, we're all Europeans now' you shrugged in that non-committal European way.

You tried to engage your fellow Europeans in friendly conversation but your friends tell you later that you actually sauntered up to an Italian girl just off the boat and shouted: 'why aren't you as good looking as other Italian girls?!?!'.

In that hazy Sunday morning from the Saturday night before, you try to piece together whether you did indeed make the point that the Single European Act meant easier access across Europe to good and services such as your penis, to be purchased by our common currency of Pleasure Euros. Jesus, you did ask that German fraulien if the 'E' in the E.U meant Erotic Union.

Despite the odds, you now have a lovely, shiny European girlfriend. Record her saying 'bollix', 'fecking eejit' and 'gobshite' in her sexy European accent and play it back later for the amusement of your friends. Of course, you being Irish means you are a black hole where sophistication cannot escape. Teaching your new squeeze that 'well lad' is a common Irish greeting and 'ah lad' can be used to denote surprise, excitement and disappointment will slowly rob her of her continental loveliness. There is a reason why TEFL don't have the following lesson on their course: If Pa lobs the gob at his best friend's sister, and the lads say 'ah lad', what emotion are they conveying?

Your girlfriend will eventually dream of siestas, a cafe culture, sunshine and if her absolute refusal to appreciate Father Ted hasn't put a stop to your European project, she's your ticket out of this rain sodden, job-less island. Thank you Europe!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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