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Saturday, 13 August 2011

image for The Arrest , Interrogation and Deification of Reggie " The Ferret" Fosberry. "It's All A Game, Mate! Don't Mean Nothin'", DCI Morse August 2011

The following is the interrogation report of one Reggie "The Ferret" Fosberry, (SUBJECT) shortly after his arrest for Rioting, Looting, Possession of Stolen Property, Resisting Arrest with Violence, and Public Indecency.

Subject was subdued after a short chase after he was witnessed to have thrown some masonry rubble through the store window of an Argos, entered same store, and before seen leaving the scene of the break in, was observed setting the store mannequin alight with a Bic lighter, pink in color, (Exhibit A).

Subject attempted to flee the scene, but his camouflaged cargo pants, hanging below his buttocks, eventually fell down about his ankles, partly due to the loot he was carrying, and tripped him up. (See Exhibits B through P, attached.)

Subject continued to struggle despite several officers who tried to calm him down by talking reasonably pleading with him to give up peacefully.

When the efforts failed, an authorized armed PC from the Water Brigade fired two well aimed bursts from his water pistol, temporally stunning SUBJECT in order for 3 remaining officers to place him in restraints so he would not injure himself in accordance with Para. 3a page 1,753 of EU Proclamation 3,569,122 (2nd ed. dated July 9, 2011), headed " Conduct During Mild Social Disorder."

Subject was transported to interrogation where he was fed, given a pack of cigarettes, a box of book matches, and offered a shower and a clean set of clothes, which he violently refused telling PC Duffy to "Fuck Off!"

In attendance:

DCI Morse; in charge of interrogation
DI Lewis, Stenographer, Tape Technician & Video operator

Wilimenia Smets; Human Rights Councilor and Prisoner Rights Advocate for the EU

Suzy Catchpole; representing Shadow Secretary Harmon on behalf of the Labour Party

DCI Morse: So, lad, seems we caught you with your pants down, eh?

Catchpole: That's a leading question which seems to show prejudice!

Morse: Right then. Reggie, you were seen entering, looting, torching and then running from the Argos store. When your pants fell down off your arse, and finally tripped you up, we found 24 cellphones, 4 dozen CD's, a sterling silver place setting for four and a Martha Steward Signature Queen Size Duvet about your person. Now how do you explain that,Eh?

Reggie: Weren't my pants!

Morse: Weren't yours? You just happened to find 'em lying in the rubbish in the road, fancied them and slipped them on?

Reggie: Weren't mine. Found 'em. Didn't fit . Bunch of shit innit.

Morse: I'd say lad, 'course with 47 pounds of swag in 'em, that probably didn't help much in your attempt to set a new record for the 440 eh? An with the Olympic trials coming up too....tsk, tsk.

Smets: DCI Morse, I think you're badgering the boy!

Morse: Let's move on to more sensitive questioning then Reggie.

Where do you live?

Reggie: 'ere and there.

Morse: 'ere and there is it?

Reggie: An around...all over really. Where ever there's a place to crash wit me mates.

Morse: How far did you get in School Reggie?

Reggie: School? (Subject looks perplexed)

Morse: Yes, School Reggie, where one goes to learn things like basic math, spelling and the King's English.

Reggie: Never been. Too F****g expensive.

Morse: Expensive? School is FREE Reggie!

Reggie: Fancy that! Go to a room and sit on me arse all day and listen to some ginger man talking shit, and not get paid , you must be daft governor!
Don't do nothin' for free...not Reggie, not bloody likely!

Morse: You on the dole than Reg?

Cathpole: That's a degrading question Morse...you're pushing it here!

Morse: Right. Well, Reggie, with no job, and no schooling, how do you get on then boy?

Reggie: Like all me mates. We get a few quid every week...like clockwork.

Morse: You find it on the streets then Reggie, kind of like how you found the pants?

Reggie: Naw...the govmt gives it to us for free...

Morse: Really? How does that work Reg, you're on to something there, I'm really interested to know how that works!

Reggie: Learnt it from me mam and the lads in the Council. Tell 'em you can't find a job and you git 'job seekers' lowance, plus a house, and you can go to the NHS if you get really F****d up Friday night from too many drugs or doing shots of Vodka. Extra money too if you knock up a few of the gals down the corner at the bus stop, got 14 kids of me own now! (proudly holds up 4 fingers on his left hand)

Morse
: Reggie, you told me you don't have a steady place to live, and then you tell me you got a free house from the government. I don't get it.

Reggie: Do so have a house! I rent it out to some foreign types, dozens of 'em, 'appy to git it too, about 20 a them packed in like kippered herring in a tin...smells something fierce. Clear about 300 quid a week onnit...slick ain't I?

Catchpole: I think that's about enough DCI Morse. You're leading the poor lad in a direction that I don't think is appropriate. Some things are better left
unsaid, there's still a bunch of right wing reporters out there who would do anything to discredit the government.

Smets: I agree. Speaking for Barreness ArseCrass, this line of questioning is
ranging too far afield. Morse, you're not seeing the big picture here. There's more at stake than just pinching a few lads having a bit of fun and unfortunately getting caught at it.

Morse: I admit. I'm a bit thick when it comes to reframing society to fit the new world image...and I never did learn French. Doesn't speak well for me does it?

Catchhpole: People like you Morse are just out of touch. Luckily you'll be gone soon on pension. Face it Morse, you're a dinosaur and you're kind will soon be lost, and not missed, may I add, from the face of the earth.

Morse: Never doubted it for a minute. Soon as I heard about that Global Warming and drowning Polar Bears, knew my days were numbered. A cataclysmic disappearance, something that historians will be talking about for generations to come...only thing left of me will be the
little ring left on table 5 at the Oasis Bar and Grill from me glass!

Sad innit. Morse was here one minute, the next time you looked for him he
was gone. Don't think I'll miss much though, with the likes of you two left
to muck things up...you girls fancy each other I bet...did you hear the one about the little Dutch boy who saved the world by putting his finger in a Dyke? Probably better not, mixed company an all.

Lewis, wot you say we bugger off. You owe me a pint you arse likker!

(At this point the transcript stops, the tape becomes garbled, and there appears to be some kind of irrational screaming and a shoe pounding on a table in the distance.)

After Action Disposition.

Due to lack of evidence and overly aggressive treatment of the Subject, now officially known as the Victim ,
Mr. Fosberry was released without prejudice and was offered free legal assistance from the EU Human Rights Commission in order to gain compensation for his unlawful detention, abusive treatment, and irreparable damage to his psyche.

According to the Barrister assigned to Mr. Fosberry, damages could exceed
E500,000.

Footnote:

DCI Morse was forced to take early retirement, and the EU has made it clear that they will be attempting to strip him of his pension and health care benefits (sic).

Mr. Fosberry has put a lien on his flat as well as his pristinely restored 1952 XJ 150 motor car, the extra rare one as it features left hand drive, as well as a restraining order and super injuction on Morse's future literary efforts where he documents 42 years of successful criminal investigation.

When last heard of, Morse was known to work part time as the fill in bartender at the Oasis Bar & Grill, when not maintaining his seat at table 5 where he spends the day taking book on odds on the end of the Monarchy and the return of "Liberte, Eqalite and Fraternite' in the guise of a bunch of yobs running around the streets with an axe to grind!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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