Written by Jean Le Fete
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Friday, 12 August 2011

image for Spoof Bike Race: The Kidnapping! Chapter 5 Armstrung Racing team!

"Listen you blaggerts, if were to have a chance in the Tour De Pants, we have to have a strong leader here," said J.O. commanding everyone's attention, "Little A bitchy here has a nice bike, but when he hits the first Piereneese mountoon stage, he's gonna fold like a saab air bag."

"What are you suggesting then?" asked Jean a little taken aback by the comments about his abilities.

"I'm saying we nab someone and make them do the job to lead our pack. He might not be able to win no more without his steroids, but for my money Lance is as good as they come still."

"You mean kidnap Lance Armstrung?" asked Seaton shocked that even J.O. would think of such a thing.

"That's exactly what I mean! Lancy is who we need and I know just how to lure him. We'll put a page add in the Daily Mirror that Lance Armstrung is a no good drug filled cheat who will never clear his name."

"How does that get him here?" asked Morse.

"Morsee, Morsee, you're an Amarican, you should know he'll come running the minute we tweek his nose. Just like Jean here wet his pants when I knifed his Armadillos."

"You're all full of it," said a man in a trench coat and sunglasses,"He'll never..hickup...goferit."

"Who the hell are you?" asked J.O.

"I'm his manager, but people calls me Skoob for short," he said.

"You are a little short mate," said Seaton, "And just what is Armstrung's manager doing hanging out in a Scottish biker's camp anyways?"

"I'm always looking for opportunities where me boss tells me. Lance is on to these camps, he knows the lowest sub-life is where comebacks are reborn. He sent me to find members for his new Live Strung racing team for the Tour De Pants."

"Well now wait a minute Matee, were the ones doin' the lookin' here, there'll be know mistaken who wears the racing pants in this racing team," said J.O.

"What the hell did he just say?" Whispered Skoob to Jean and Morse.

"Oh that's just his way of blowin' smoke up your ass," said Morse.

"Yeah," said Jean, "He didn't even know what an Armadillo was."

"He didn't!?" said Skoob in mock alarm, "Look you boys seem to be just what Lance is lookin' fer," he pulled out a briefcase and a small table from under his trench coat,"What I have here lads is a contract for each of you to sign, it says none of you makes anything unless Lance wins the Tour De Pants."

"And if he does win?" asked Fergus.

"You still win nothing, but you gets to share it with anyone you pleases," said Skoob holding out a pen.

"Sounds good to me," said Birbee, "Count me in!"

"Wait a second! Wait a second here!" said J.O.....everybody stopped and looked at him expectantly,"I gets to sign first."

"Oh, okay, sure," said Birbee handing him the pen. Everyone lined up to sign the contract. They had to help Fergus to sign and just as he was finishing a limo pulled up next to their camp.

A rear window rolled down and a man in a yellow jersey stuck his head out, "Skoob, what gives, you left me with the lunch bill back at that last restaurant."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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