Written by Indy87
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Friday, 5 August 2011

image for Two very different Student Union Candidates...

Give Me Your No. 1!

Well boy, give us your number one for UCC's favourite son, the hoor from the Suir, Marty Kelly boy. Yes boss, 'tis that time of the year again where the college's minister for cool in the department of cute hoorism is on the campaign trail kissing babogs and shooting the shite with the farmers. Well kissing first years and shooting the shite with Macra na Feirme. Politics, wha'?! That's a turnip for the books. That one's for free lads. Seriously boys, the role of first man of the Student's Union is important. It isn't all junkets to Leitrim, complimentary cans of Koppaberg and riding around in taxis paid for by the Union, oh no 'tis much, much more. The serious side of being campus representative is like running your legs into your arse in September for the hurling - 'tis hard but worth it. So I issue a challenge to you, the voters: are ye drinking with me or behind me, like?! There are some who have called me 'plain'. You know what they say, a pint of plain is your only man and I am the man that can. Marty Kelly for number one, boys. So what will I be doing with myself if I am elected President? I will have cultural shite to improve our minds, including Gaelic appreciation with plays about Brits, drunken husbands and Taytos. I have also been meeting with a trade delegation from W.I.T. and the import of 'blahs' is a serious prospect so we can look forward to our new world cuisine. Your number one for Marty Kelly and rememeber: are ye drinking with me or behind me, like?!

Secret Diary of a Nympho-Addict Charity Do-Gooder

22.30pm - What little shits. I mean c'mon, those Afghanis get a very competitive supply of heroin - sourced locally - and it's "ooh, my leg's been blown off" and "ooh, my university is a star shaped crater". It's like Lidl opened up a heroin department store that even Daddy's credit card couldn't cover and when you bear that in mind, do human rights or a foreign occupying force matter? They certainly don't get you high. Not like the Taliban anyway... not in the blow you up high kind of way, the drug dealer way. Anyway, we had that charity horse show and Reginald look positively handsome in his get up and he isn't even part of the horsey set. He's so sweet, after he robbed me of my virtue he paid for my abortion and a shopping spree in Harrod's the next day. But to be fair, I deserve these little treats for caring about ugly people in far away countries. That's why I should totally be Student Union President for, like, the year 2010/2011! You know, all this depressing shit is going on around the world and the planet and green finger gasses and all that. That's even before you mention the quote unquote homeless people. SO WHAT WOULD I TOTALLY DO TO STOP THIS STUFF??? I would make it illegal to be poor and hungry and people would have to stop being poor and hungry. Why hasn't Brian Cow thought of this? Ugly people are sooo unimaginative. I suggested this at the Fianna Fail and Fine Gael debate on campus and people looked at me funny but I think that's because I had something in my teeth. Do I have something in my teeth now? I must remember to check my teeth when I am finished writing this. I can't believe people say I get easily distracted, I am so focused.

22.50pm - All clear, I do not have anything in my teeth. So yay me, hope I get to be SU Pres!!! Night diary xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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