While the nation was focused on the debt ceiling debate, Congress also past the Protection for Politicians Philandering with Paramours (PPPP) Act of 2011. On August 2nd President Obama signed both the Budget Control Act of 2011 (Also know as the Cut, Quibble, and Kick Down the Road Law) and the PPPP Act without much fanfare. Little is known about PPPP, but since philandering is a bipartisan enterprise, the Act was unanimously past in both houses of Congress. PPPP is also know as the Bill Clinton, Gary Condit, Mark Sanford, Chris Lee, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Anthony Weiner, David Wu, et al. Legacy Law.
Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, that this Act may be cited as the Protection for Politicians Philandering with Paramours (PPPP) Act of 2011.
Purpose: The purpose of this Act is to protect Federal, state, and local politicians from unwanted media frenzies into their philandering with paramours.
Background: American politicians have a long, long history of philandering with paramours. It is deemed necessary to protect philandering politicians from the unwanted scrutiny and coverage by the media. Politicians who serve the American people and fight to keep their marriages together should not be subjected to such media frenzies. Relationships between/among politicians and paramours (e.g., staff members, interns, pages, soul mates, volunteers, homeland security directors, flight attendants, typists who cannot type, Facebook friends, maids, former porn actresses, and/or other paramours not their spouses) are considered private and therefore fully protected by this Act. Inappropriate relations and/or youthful indiscretions by politicians have been subjected to unwanted news reports and late night comic monologs. Such coverage of politicians' philandering has damaged their reputations and legacies. This Act will protect the reputations and legacies of philandering politicians who are working so hard to serve the American people and fighting to keep their marriages together, while providing them the privacy to pursue sexual relations of any kind and youthful indiscretions with staff members, interns, pages, soul mates, yada, yada, yada, not their spouses.
Coverage: This Act covers and protects all philandering politicians elected to office or persons holding appointed position based on politics (i.e., amount of campaign donations, blackmail, sexual relationships, etc.).
Politician: Any person elected to or appointed to government office through the political process. All philandering politicians, married or not married, are protected by this Act. Persons holding government civilian and military positions based on civil service standards and/or the merit principle are not covered by this Act; therefore, such persons are subject to dismissal, court martial, and/or humiliation.
Paramour: Any person (excluding the spouse of the politician) selected by a politician for relationships and/or youthful indiscretions of any kind is covered by this Act. This Act does not restrict the number of paramours a politician can have while in office.
Spouse: Any person currently married to a politician and willing to be by his/her side during press conferences, grand jury appearances, a lie detector tests, "perp" walks, and/or other public appearances when the philandering politician may or may not be a suspect of an official law enforcement investigation. Even though this Act allows a politician to have more than one paramour, a politician can have only one spouse at a time.
Relations: Any relationships (appropriate and/or inappropriate) between philandering politicians and persons not their spouses including but not limited to: sex of any kind, oral sex, phone sex, yada, yada, yada. In addition, individuals having relations may meet the requirements of more that one of the above definitions. For example, a politician may be married to a politician while having relations with one or more persons who may also be politicians. Further more, the politician's spouse (who is a politician) may also be philandering with one or more other politicians. Such philandering politicians must ensure that they abide by all the Required Actions, as listed below, that meet their respective definitions.
Youthful Indiscretions: Any immature sexual activities conducted by philandering politicians at any age. Since the philandering politicians are acting immaturely they cannot be considered at fault nor held responsible. Such activities usually involve paramours (at or above the legal age) who should have known better; therefore paramours are to be considered at fault and totally responsible for such indiscretions.
Philandering: All relations and/or youthful indiscretions conducted by politicians with paramours. This Act does not cover philandering conducted by civil service employees, military personnel, and the general public. Non-politicians who philander will be disposed to arrest, Court Marshall, disciplinary action, exposure by the media, and/or the condemnation by politicians.
Media Frenzy: Any media coverage of a politician that is deemed unwanted and/or not controlled by the politician.
Holding Public Office: Since the conduct of public officials with public personnel (e.g., interns, pages, yada, yada, yada), in public workspace, and on public time is now considered private by this Act, all politicians will henceforth be referred to as holding "Private Office."
Holding Private Office: All politicians formerly holding "Public Office" will now and henceforth be called holding "Private Office" and fully protected from public scrutiny and media frenzies by the provisions of this Act.
Media: For the purposes of this Act the news media and the entertainment media are considered interchangeable. Therefore, the media includes, but not limited to, the press, television, radio, the Internet (including porno sites), celebrities (including Dan Rather, Nancy Grace, David Letterman, Bill Maher and all other self-centered somebodies), and/or any person with a typewriter, computer, Web site, blog, and/or ego.
By The Media: The media is henceforth prohibited from reporting on and/or joking about the relationships of all philandering politicians. Media frenzies involving interns' thongs, nonconsensual hugging, missing paramours, soul mates hiking on or off the Appalachian Trail, yada, yada, yada are hereafter prohibited. Furthermore the media is henceforth refrained from using the term holding "Public Office" when referring to politicians. The term is no longer appropriate since this Act now protects the conduct and/or misconduct of philandering politicians while they are in office.
By Politicians: Politicians shall continue working hard to serve the American people and (if married) persist in fighting to keep their marriages together, while philandering with staff members, interns, pages, soul mates, yada, yada, yada.
By Paramours: Paramours are required to act discretely at all times. Discussions about relations involving philandering politicians with their moms, aunts, coworkers, Facebook and other friends, media, etc, are strictly prohibited. In addition, while rendezvousing with politicians, paramours are not to carry any identification and/or tape recorders. Paramours are to consider any promises made by philandering politicians the same as campaign pledges (i.e., do not read their lips).
By Spouses: Spouses are to stand by their philandering politicians no matter how inappropriate the relationships or the number of youthful indiscretions. Spouses are also required to hold hands with their politicians and smile during all media frenzies. Spouses are to consider any marriage vows made by politicians the same as campaign pledges (i.e., do not read their lips).
Gender Issues: Currently unwanted media frenzies normally focus on older male politicians having relations with much younger female paramours; however, this Act protects philandering politicians of any age, sex, and/or sexual orientation having relations of any kind with paramours of any age, sex, and/or sexual orientation.
Discrimination: Politicians cannot select paramours and/or spouses based on their race, color, religion, sex, national origin, disability, sexual orientation, or age. However, a paramour's and/or spouse's appearance, weight, hairstyle, and/or clothes (including berets) are not covered by this Act. Ugly paramours and/or spouses are not protected by this Act.
Campaign Reform: In order to ensure that all political campaigns are fair and balance, all philandering politicians that include their spouses in their campaigns must also include any and all paramours. For example, if a photograph of a spouse is included in a campaign brochure, a photograph of any and all paramours must also be included. The order of the photographs in the brochure is at the discretion of the philandering politician. In addition, if a spouse appears in a campaigns parade, then any and all paramours must also appear. The use of sedans, minivans, and school buses are authorized to accommodate the spouse and paramour(s). The sitting arrangement for spouse and paramour(s) is at the discretion of the philandering politician. Henceforth, when a spouse speaks publicly during a campaign, any and all paramours must also be afforded the same opportunity and time allotment. The subject matter of the speeches given by the spouse and paramour(s) is at the discretion of the philandering politician.
Remove the Stigma: The primary goal of this Act is to remove the stigma that is currently attached to politicians found philandering with paramours (i.e., cheating on their spouses). This stigma compel politicians to lie to their spouses, lie to the American people, lie to law enforcement authorities, lie under oath (i.e., commit perjury), discard/dump gifts from paramours, and/or demand others to lie, commit perjury, and/or discard/dump gifts from paramours. Strict enforcement of this Act will eliminate the need for politicians to lie about their philandering. Henceforth, politicians will only need to lie about any and all other matters.
Become European: The secondary goal is for American people to become more European in the acceptance of political leaders having paramours. Paramours should be able to appear at all official functions on an equal basis along with spouses. European leaders such as Premiers, Presidents, Members of Parliament, Lords, Kings, Princes, Barons, Czars, Emperors, Generalissimos, Fuhrers, and Il Duces are expected to have paramours. American politicians should emulate these European leaders. In addition, while European paramours are expected to not only to stand by their dictators, but also to hang along side them; their American counterparts will be strung up only after due process of all appropriate and current laws are adhered to.