Written by Chuck Terzella
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Tuesday, 9 December 2003

It was early in the morning, much too early for telemarketers or bill collectors, you know decent people, when the phone rang.

“ Hello, Colin? It’s me, President Georgie Bush. How’re ya all doin today?”

“ Uh, Mr. President, it’s not Colin Powell. It’s me, Chu... I mean, yes Sir, what can I do for you this morning?”

“ Look, son, we got ourselves some problems here. As you know, I don’t govern by polls. If I want to bomb and invade a country or set my friends up in lucrative rebuilding deals I don’t listen to any poll that tells me I’m wrong, right?”

“ That’s the way it looks to me Sir. You’re an amazing man and it’s been an amazing 1st term. I mean, I’m amazed at the way you’ve been able to strip the budget surplus and put the country so deeply in debt that my grandchildren will still be only paying off the interest when they’re my age. I’m amazed that for the first time since the Great Depression this country has actually lost jobs for years running. I’m amazed that you’ve managed scare North Korea and Iran into a full tilt pursuit of nuclear weapons because they think they’re next on your hit list. And I’m amazed that you could start an unprecedented first strike war on an oil rich evil dictatorship using completely bogus evidence and justification and in spite of overwhelming world opposition. I’m just as amazed that at the rate you’re going we won’t have an livable environment in twenty years, and that everyone one on the planet hates us. What’s really amazing is that this Administration is protecting Dick Cheney’s Energy Advisors identities but revealing the names of covert CIA operatives. And it’s all thanks to you Sir.”

“ I appreciate that,” replied the President, obviously, if somewhat irrationally pleased, “ I’ve always said that you were one smart...um...general.” He got serious.” But the fact remains, that these past few months have been a bit tough. Who would’ve thought that those ungrateful Iraqi’s wouldn’t be happy that I occupied them? Who would thought that the U.N. would suddenly get all relevant on me? Where do they get off doing that? I mean, don’t they know we know what’s best for the world? I looked into Putin’s soul for goodness sakes! It makes me crazy.”

“ So that’s what did it.”, I answered sympathetically, “ Look Mr. President, you’re doing a fine job. I guarantee this if you keep doing exactly what your doing and don’t give up, all your problems will be over soon.”

“ Well, I sure thank you for that thought Collie...you don’t mind if I call you Collie do you? I always like to give my buddies little nick-names... but what I want to know is when will my problems be over?”

“ With any luck at all, next November.”, I replied

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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