Written by MonkeyInTheBath
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Saturday, 6 August 2011

image for Banker Wars Part IV: A New Hope Part II The Debt Star

Read this story from the start.

Luke, Old Ben and the two droids came to their local spaceport, where they tried to find a pilot who could carry them to Alderaan. In a nearby bar they met Han "Interest rates" So-low and his tall hairy friend Jew-backer.

Han and Jewie (as he liked to be called) agreed to transport them, and asked if they would also be interested in investing in their portfolio.

Han said, "It's my Millenium Falcon portfolio, the fastest growing investment in the galaxy. It's out-performed even Imperial savings accounts."

Old Ben smiled politely and said, "Just take us to Alderaan please."

So the six of them boarded Han's ship (also coincidentally called the Millenium Falcon) and took off.

As they flew through the stars, Old Ben suddenly fell to the ground clutching his head. "Ooh, I just felt a sudden disturbance in the Market-Force, as if billions of galactic dollars were suddenly withdrawn from the economy."

Before long, they arrived at the Alderaan system. As they approached the planet they noticed a strange giant moon-like object in the sky. But this was no moon. It was an enormous construction, of the like they had never seen before. They became caught in a tractor beam and sucked into the huge structure.

To cut a long story short, they were captured and taken on board where they were welcomed by Darth Tax-evader himself.

Darth said, "Haha! Welcome to my Debt Star. This fully armed battle station has the power to instantly destroy a planet's credit rating, rendering its financial assets worthless. I have already destroyed the economy of Alderaan, it now has a debt-to-GDP ratio too high for it ever to recover!"

"You'll never get away with this," said Old Ben. "I challenge you to a duel."

He stepped forward and then he and Darth Tax-evader began to struggle. Not a physical fight, but a duel of investments, a fight to the monetary death to see who was the best at investing and managing funds.

Old Ben used his commodities expertise to try to out-trade Darth, but Darth was too good at moving his vast wealth from one tax haven to another, and fraudulently increasing its value each time.

Suddenly, Old Ben lifted up his arms. He looked at Luke as he gave up.

"No!" shouted Luke. But it was too late. Old Ben's assets were all gone. He was bankrupt.

While Darth Tax-evader was gloating at the victory, Luke, Han and the others managed to escape in their spaceship. Old Ben came with them, but as he had no money, everyone just ignored him. It was as if he was a ghost.


Read the next part of this thrilling adventure...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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