This article was admitted... er submitted, by a Spoof reporter of great maturity and senility, during one of his rare moments of semi-lucidity. Written while he was in the queue at the local Job Centre Plus Jobs Fair, where it was gently pointed out to him, his age, his mental state, his medical conditions, and was then asked to zip up his flies, he was led out of the building by security. Anyway, this is his story in rhyme (of a sort) of how he went about, 'Getting Old' and the the consequences and repercussions suffered.
The Body's Decline:
The head soon lost its hair, the shiny dome appeared,
So I got rid of the greying tatty nondescript beard,
A certain appendage, dropped and went dog-eared,
These failing should be considered normal not weird.
The stomach starts to get bigger and droop,
Never again to play without risk, the hoola-hoop,
The back offers pain, when ever you have to stoop,
The teeth prevent steak eating, but allows you soup.
You might deny that you have dwindling eyesight,
Your first pair of spectacles offer you great delight,
When you realise you can actually see what you write,
But getting your brain to work can be an uphill fight.
The hands may become reluctant to take a good grip,
It will take longer for you have a wash or strip,
Did you press the wrong button on the laptop, or is it a blip?
The abilities of your now unrecognisable body take a general dip!
The Minds Decline
In the opposite sex, you had so many interests,
Suddenly, you can play with no more breasts,
Your stomach tells you what it can painlessly digest,
You start to purchase medication, ointments and a footrest.
You might consider joining an Old Peoples group,
Where you play Bingo, fart freely, and eat chicken soup.
But taking part makes you feel a complete nincompoop,
Your grey-cells take longer to start and regroup.
The worst failing is that of your once sharp brain,
You forget and lose things again and again,
Not knowing why you went into a room is such a pain,
Ogling at the fair sex as they walk by you now refrain,
The odd times you do, you forget why, you scatterbrain,
You can name every 1960's restaurant chain,
But finding you house keys is more of a strain,
Did you turn off the light?, or pull the chain?
Recognising and remembering some things is in vain,
But don't fret about it, you are not going insane!
You used to have transport, motorbikes, cars perchance?
They had to go, due to your sparse pension pittance,
They've took you licence anyway, no need for petulance,
That you will get any better, is a pure romance,
My most used transport this year has been the Ambulance!
You've have your fair days, as well as the bad,
For the fair days, I'm eternally glad,
I regret, never having became a Dad,
Just one thing more I'd like to add,
I do still like to see a lassie scantily clad!