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Monday, 18 July 2011

image for Captain Mainwairing: Join the the Home Guard of Dad's Army Territorials. Your Country needs you now!

Walmington-On-Sea, East Coast, England: Some of the British population may be surprised to learn that in one part of England, martial law is still in place. Captain Mainwairing is still in charge, still believing an imminent invasion of the Nazi hordes is on the cards.

Now that Liam Fox, the Defence Secretary, has announced the Army will be cut by a fifth from its current size of 102,000 to around 82,000 by 2020, Captain Mainwairing's role becomes even more important. The reduction in the regular Army will only happen when the Government invests more in Dad's Army Territorials and Britain has withdrawn from Afghanistan.

Captain Mainwairing "The plan is for Britain to have a total force of 120,000 soldiers by 2020, divided 70-30 between regular service personnel and the Home Guard of Dad's Army Territorials. This is something I have been personally pushing for, for some time."

At Walmington-On-Sea on the East Coast of England, you can see the effectiveness of the Dad's Army Territorials in implenting the martial law. Barbed wire and anti tank defences still litter the beach, as Captain Mainwairing exerts an iron grip on the popluation.

Chief Air Raid Warden Hodges is in stocks on the front as the local population throw their left overs at him. It is all part of the recycling programme and Hodges has been excellent in promoting it, as Captain Mainwairing has recently noted.

Captain Mainwairing: "I give credit where credit is due, but I always thought Greengrocer Hodges to be a complete waste of space, but as part of the recycling programme, Hodges has proved that he at least can do something useful for a change!!"

Talking of the future role of the Home Guard of Dad's Army Territorials.

Captain Mainwairing "The Home Guard of Dad's Army Territorials have had tremendous effect by supplementing what the regular Army do in Afghanistan. The medical facilities at Camp Bastion are largely drawn from the reserves. This has given Private Godfrey, a most important role."

Private Godfrey is one of Captain Mainwairing's decorated troops from World War I.

Captain Mainwairing: "Part of the problem has been that there has not been sufficient money going into the Home Guard of Dad's Army Territorials in recent years. Tankfully Liam Fox, the Defence Secretary, has at last listened to my concerns and now intends to put my plan into action, to correct these errors and put it all right."

We are interrupted by Corporal Jones...

Corporal Jones: "Permission to speak Sir! Life Bayonet practice is about to begin Sir!"

Captain Mainwairing: "Good! Must go, call of duty!"

As martial law still continues in Walmington-On-Sea, rest assured that the British population may sleep peacefully in their beds, in the knowledge that Captain Mainwairing and the boys are doing their bit for England...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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