Turkish born, Ali Bullo is well known for operating a string of kebab vans and shops in Hampshire, Dorset, and West Sussex, where he is widely regarded as the consummate entrepreneur. Not many kebab vendors do a neat sideline in photoshopped nude celebrity calendars, featuring the likes of Charlotte Church, Pixie Lott, and Cindy Beale out of EastEnders, but Ali reckons he makes as much from the dodgy calendars as he does from kebabs and burgers.
Here are some of Ali's thoughts on leading a rewarding life:
Get up early innit. No point sleeping all bladdy day. You missing everything and you no make money sleeping. Wasting time sleeping is no bladdy good mate.
Eat plenty kebab. Doner, shish, kofte, it no bladdy matter innit. Kebab put lead in pencil mate.
No drink too much. Is no good waking up with bladdy big headache and sick all over bed. This happen to me one time. Is no good. Me only drink absinthe now. Not know bladdy fuck about much, but it no take much get wrecked, so no sick on bed. Look out for blue hippo though. Is bastard. Steal kebab.
Only one wife. One wife sometimes too bladdy much mate. Give big pain in ears and arse. Two or more wife is bladdy shit mate. Trust me. I have two wife. Keep one in bladdy Germany innit. Is best way.
Never have sexy thing with woman in the bed. Is messy and leave damp patches. Much better bend young slapper over skip out back of kebab shop. Less mess.
Drive big Mercedes. Then get dents and scratches all over it because can no bladdy drive right innit. Look good though till mirrors fall off and engine drop out. Is good for ignoring traffic lights and road signs. Me drive Merc from Bournemouth to Newport once. Only crash three times. Bladdy great car innit.
No forget lottery ticket. If me win lottery me sell shops and vans. Them too much bladdy trouble innit. And me go to prostitute. Me like prostitute. No have to take home to get bladdy ache of ear and arse innit.
Get good mobile phone. Very good for talking to prostitute and for download sexy pictures. No let wife see. Wife go bladdy fuck mental she know you see prostitute and bang drunk slappers against skip out back of kebab shop.
Speak English very nice and proper. That way people think you English and not foreign bastard with string of kebab shop and vans who cheating on income tax and collecting giro off government. Like wot me do.
Next week me tell you all about how to claim dole and work on delivery from back of kebab shop cash on hand and no bladdy questions. Innit.