A blameless British population were today waking up to the true horror of the abuse suffered by them over the last thirty years.
"My god, I cannot believe it!" said Derek Scutter, 31, of Billericay. " If I had known for one moment that all that stuff about murdered schoolgirls and dead soldiers had been gained in an underhand manner, do you think I would still have paid to read it?"
"I mean, who pays money to read stuff like that?" He sobbed, " I mean, once you've been faced with the cold hard facts of the business, that is. Not before. It was fine before, obviously."
Media analysts warn of a wave of anger is threatening a root to branch reform of the entire Tabloid industry.
Readers, they say, have been caught completely surprised by the revelation that the information they greedily crave about other peoples private business has been gathered by methods that are somewhat morally dubious.
Well I say that you, my loyal readers are able to spend your coin to get pleasure at others expense without fear that you, by association, are tainted by this Filth!
We demand a return to the good old qualities of British Tabloid Journalism.
We promise to stick to the following "Code of Conduct", based on the principles established at Wapping in the 80's and bravely followed by so many Newspapers over the years.
These principles of practice include;
Hiding in your hedge and jumping out on you as you try to get on with your life!
Going through your Bins!
Knocking on your Mother's door and pretending to be the Police to get information!
Deciding that you probably murdered someone because you look weird and putting your picture on the front page!
Going to your kids school!
Fucking up the court case when the murderer is court!
Only by these strict rules, which we hope all tabloids stick to in future, as they did when you all so blamelessly and morally bought newspapers in their millions for thirty years, can we hope to regain the faith of our readership that we'll never be caught, and you won't be tainted by association.
We also pledge that you will never, ever, have to gormlessly rush out and vote for whoever a wealthy bloke tells you to vote for in future, just because he puts the tits and scandal in your daily comic.
We recognize that the British are independent, free thinking people, and there is no merit the idea that you are just a bunch of gormless twats who would continue to give power to the rich people who are getting richer at your expense and happen to know some Australians quite well.
You're not more interested in other people screwing and "Britain's Got Talent" than bothering to think. It is vile that that suggestion be allowed to stand. I mean, that would suggest the Newspaper Owners was treating you as mindless cattle only fit to increase power and profits.
Let's show "The Man" how wrong he is, and break the power of the press.
The Spoof says:
Let him buy the telly and then we'll all gawp at it like a breed of particular stupid fish.