Written by Les Being
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Saturday, 9 July 2011

image for Miliband accuses Cameron of subliminal advertising Beatles on iPlayer for the first time

Today Ed Miliband accused PM David Cameron of shamelessly accepting money to advertise the release of The Beatles back catalogue on iTunes. Miliband claims that a recent speech Cameron made to party members contained multiple references to Beatle songs.

Below are a few edited highlights of that very speech.

Some people said the conservative party was finished and that either I'm a loser, or just another fool on the hill. It has been a long and winding road for this so called nowhere man. They said I'd have no reply but what has happened is nothing short of a revolution in British politics.

I could not have got this far without a little help from my friends. Of course my family has also played a major part and in particular my lovely wife. When I got elected, I saw her standing there and hoped that all my loving was a comfort to her. In order to have such a strong relationship I believe that all you need is love. She loves me and I love her. Whenever I needed someone she was always there. In my life you need friends and family. With them beside me I feel fine

It's not easy being party leader. You have to carry that weight alone. Do you want to know a secret? I do need help, so please, please me and don't let me down because I need you. In return I want to hold your hand as we travel down the helter skelter of this thing we call politics. It won't be long until we rid ourselves of this hello goodbye attitude to cabinet reshuffles. We can work it out. The answers are within you. Without you we are bound to fail.

Later in the speech Mr Cameron was talking about the integration of economic migrants.


Yesterday at my constituency office in Penny Lane I met an eastern European migrant who told me she used to have a good job working as an author in Russia. Because of the restrictions imposed on migrant workers the only job she can get here is seasonal fruit picking. She doesn't want to work in strawberry fields forever. She would like to become a paperback writer like she was back in the USSR. People like her want to work. She's not looking for a free ticket to ride the welfare state. We can work it out. We should all come together and help people like her who never get the opportunities we take for granted when they have to work eight days a week just to make ends meet.

Remember, we are all part of Europe. She hasn't travelled halfway across the universe

Talking about rising crime Mr Cameron said.

Young people are turning to crime. It's sad to see a rise in yobbish behaviour among young girls, the so called ladetts. Another of my constituents called Bill who lives in a small house told me about a burglary at his home recently by just such a ladette called Karen Kite, she came in through the bathroom window with the intent of robbing Bill of what few possessions he had. It wasn't the first time either. She had tried the night before.

When she went to court she told the judge she did it because "you never give me your money so I have to steal it". She claimed to not know the difference between right and wrong as her mother left her in the care of her father who was also a thief. Well I'll say For the benefit of Mr Kite that it's wrong to allow such behaviour.

This has to stop. The police have to come down hard on petty criminals. If they don't then this will be the continuing story of bungalow Bill and others like him.

On NHS reforms Mr Cameron said.

Recently I visited an NHS hospital in London. I have to say it was a bit like a magical mystery tour. Nobody seemed to know quite what was going on. I met up with a poor man who has a problem with over production of nasal mucus. The operation to correct it is I'm told, quite a simple procedure.
Yet he's been on the waiting list for over five years. Twice before he's attended appointments and waited for over four hours only to have his appointment cancelled and be sent home again. He was naturally distressed when he told me; "You have no idea what it's like for me to wait around for four or five hours with a box of tissues while my catarrh gently weeps. So tell me why, clearly something needs to be done. We just can't just let it be".

When we asked Mr Cameron what he thought about these allegations, he said. Oh dear, prudence should be shown with anything Miliband had to say. Too much monkey business. This is just another example of Miliband on the run. I can't imagine where he gets his information from. Anyway, we can't talk in the doorway as the door has just been waxed, its made of Norwegian Wood you know, why don't we do it in the road?

The End

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

80 readers are online right now!

Go to top