Written by Les Being
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Sunday, 10 July 2011

image for Gas and electricity prices going up. What can you do? Saving money

It can't have escaped your notice that domestic fuel prices are about rise sharply.

Don't despair, read our useful guide to saving energy and money. By following a few simple tips you could save enough money to buy a gallon of petrol.

Believe it or not it's cheaper to buy second hand clothes at a local boot sale than it is to wash yours, even at low temperatures. The average washing machine can cost over £20 a week to run. On the other hand just £5 could buy you a whole new wardrobe of second hand clothes. That's an instant saving of £15

Don't worry about looking like a bag lady or down and out. Just tell people that you are having a go at being eccentric. They'll probably love you for it.

Only use electrical appliances that are vital to sustain normal healthy life, such as TV, satellite and beer fridge. By switching off non essential items such as lights, granddads dialysis machine and heating you will save even more money.

If you own a car, don't get rid of it. Just stop paying for road tax and insurance. Gat an East European phrase book from the library. If the police stop you just start using a few words from the book. As long as you say the words as if you were a James Bond villain they'll soon get fed up and leave you alone. Remember the police will only fine you if they think you can pay. Wearing your bag lady clothes will only serve to help your cause in this matter.

Children can be a huge drain on a families financial resources. If you have more than one child, try giving one away. Plenty of people out there would love to have a child of their own. You save a small fortune and they fulfil an inner need to have kids. Everybody wins. If you feel guilty you can always look them up later.

If your children are older you could always try engineering an argument with them. If they get upset enough they will leave home. If it doesn't work first time don't get despondent. Keep working at it, eventually you will find that magic formula. If all else fails, try and get them to join the army.

Home maintenance should be at the very bottom of your priorities. Spending money on cleaning products or paint etc is totally unnecessary. Your house is fine just the way it is. Making it look clean and well maintained will not be in keeping with your new dishevelled look.

We do hope you found these simple money saving tips useful.

In the next issue we will be discussing "Alzheimer's", and asking the question "Is it morally OK to remove all identification from family members with Alzheimer's, taking them for a day out to the seaside and forgetting to bring them home?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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