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Friday, 8 July 2011

image for Letters To The Editor - From Ex News of The World Journalists Desperate NOTW readers await the Sun on Sunday

Dear Sir,

I wonder if you have any positions within your organisation for journalists? I have worked as a senior reporter for the News of The World for the past 12 years TITS! Sorry about that.
Anyway, since leaving university, BUMS! Sorry, it's just happened again. It's the training you see. When I was at Wapping, if we didn't put anything eye-catching in we would get a severe dressing down from the editor. Where was I? Oh, yes, university. Well, VICAR'S BOLLOCKS! Sorry. Just try to ignore that. Difficult to get out of the habit you see. Right, Uni; I read English Literature at Kings, and achieved WILLY!
Sorry. Look, I'll phone, it may be simpler.

Yours,
B.A. Coldwell


Dear Sir,

I write to enquire if any vacant journalistic positions exist?

I have vast experience of writing mindless drivel, as for many years I was the TV features sub editor for the News of The World, and managed to produce, week-in, week-out, five pages of pointless meaningless pap, none of which included any words of more than two syllables.

During my time there, I honed the art of intellect-free blandness to such an extent that I was promoted to the political desk. While there, I developed the ability to distil complex socio-political arguments down to less than one hundred words, and also relate the article to a picture of a scantily-clad woman. The punters lapped it up! It was incredible just how easy it was to manipulate public opinion, simply by only including the facts that suited us and including a photo of someone's tits.

Employ me, and within 5 years you could rule the world.

Yours in anticipation,
HRF Miller

Dear Ms Brooks,

it's me, Bob. You know,..from the basement; I worked with Eric, on the computers and things. You must remember me, I worked at the NOTW for twenty years. You know, BOB. With the 'packages'.

I started off as a reporter (long before your time, of course) I well remember my first piece; it was a report on the Common Agricultural Policy. I remember that when the paper came out that Sunday, I kept a copy of it. My 'first born' if you like. I naively thought then that I would be able to help to educate, inform and entertain the British public...Well, we managed one out of three, didn't we! Within 5 years I was writing about gay sex scandals and celebrity swim-suits!

"Give the sheep what they want" was the cry.
"They don't want to know about justice, or rights, or art. Give them sex and football". And didn't we just! We were the biggest selling Sunday paper in the country. The Rich got richer, and the dumb got dumber. I became an expert on celebrity genitalia, footballer's wives and game-show hosts. I'm sure that you remember the Johnny Vegas/wet fish story. That was mine!

Anyway, now that I'm out of a job, I wonder if you've got anything going at the Sun on Sunday.
I still have the recordings that we made last week, and Eric says that the 'Cameron' file is safe.

Probably best if you write back. We all know how insecure the phones can be!

Bob.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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