Written by Les Being
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Friday, 8 July 2011

image for Buying a house? Learn estate agent speak Red carpet to Estate Agents

Buying a house can be a stressful time. This stress is further compounded by a group of people who make the News of The World hackers seem positively saint like. I am of course talking about estate agents.

Estate agents have invented a completely new type of language that's designed to confuse and confound ordinary people into submission. Their descriptive prose is so expertly engineered that anything they say can be interpreted in almost anyway they want.

The only way to win is to understand just what they mean. As an example, if they tell you that a house is "open and airy" they really means that the last owner was evicted and removed everything up to and including the kitchen sink.

Listed below are a few common examples of estate agent speak


Period property. (Still has bomb damage from the Second World War)

Well established garden. (Not touched since the Second World War)

Much improved by previous owner. (He ran out of money and lost the will to live, and so will you)

Great potential. (In urgent need of underpinning)

Close to rail links. (House at the end of platform two)

Convenient for local schools. (A stones throw from the yobs playground)

Well planned kitchen. (The smallest kitchen you've ever seen)

Original features. (Brown bathroom suite, green floral wallpaper and plastic ceiling tiles)

Patio area. (Tiny garden)

Close to all amenities. (Next to an off licence and chip shop with a bus stop outside your front door)

Views over open countryside. (Next to landfill site)

Sought after location. (They've employed more than one estate agent and we need the money)

Various outbuildings. (Outside toilet)

Ideal for children. (Noisy neighbours)

Ideal buy to let property. (Next door to drug dealers)

Secure off road parking. (Next to gipsy site)

Vacant possession. (The last occupant died in there and was not discovered for six months)

Reduced price for quick sale. (All of the above)

So there you have it. A quick guide to estate agents speak. I hope you found it useful.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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