Dear Dr Jon, I have a slight cough and my doctor won't give me antibiotics. For some reason I am obsessed with getting antibiotics, mainly because my mum says I should have them, though neither of us know the difference between a virus and a bacteria. What shall I do?
You should for just one sodding moment try to remember that there are people in hospital whose arms have fallen off due to antibiotic resistance. Get a Lemsip. Christ.
Dear Dr Jon, I'm an alcoholic, but I'm wealthy and don't want to admit it. If you refer me on the NHS they'll give it to me straight, which I really don't want. Can you send me to a nice man in a posh office who will fleece me but also give me the soft soap?
Do I have a fucking choice? You can't fool your actual liver, you know.
Dear Dr Jon, I have never had a job. I like sitting in my pants smoking dope and watching Top Gear on 'Dave'. I'm a bit short of cash. Can I get a sick note?
That's a lifestyle choice, it comes with consequences. Jesus wept, what is it with today? Get lost!
Dear Dr Jon, can I have some Temazepam?
Right, that's it, everybody get out of here before I throw a chair through the window.