[Hell, Austrailia] Breaking news was announced today with the introduction of The King of Darkness himself, Satan. This is interesting as it has never happened before. The first order of action for The King of Darkness was to hold a press meeting. I was there in this meeting to witness the pants-shitting terror of being in the presence of pure evil. This is what he had to say in the awe inspiring meeting:
"I am here for one reason and one reason only, I am here to pull the plug on my highly confidential marketing campaign that had the sole purpose of getting people to follow my evil creations into Hell to live in pain and suffering until the end of time. The reason I am tellIng you this is because my evil creations are now too powerful for me to stop alone. I must put their identities into the open and ask for you, the public, to help me put an end to them. This will not be easy as just one of them is powerful enough to destroy all life on this planet and their is not just one, or a few, but thousands of them. You see them daily without knowing who they are or what they stand for, yet they have a specific physical feature I created in the case of this particular scenario, they all have red hair, every one of them. However their is one more powerful than the rest and to kill her may stop others from revolting against me, and then enslaving all mankind along with Hell itself. Her name is Lindsay Lohan."
At those words all members of the meeting gasped in shock, and then after another moment of thought, realized how obvious this new information should have been, given the many signs. Satan continued with the following:
"She started with promise. Lohan was talented, pretty, and a great role model for the young children, specifically little girls, and confused little boys. However after a few years in the spotlight of your soul stealing creation you call Hollywood, she became corrupt. She was far more morally bankrupt than even I. She needs to be stopped before she gains even more power and influence over your world."
This is of course a huge announcement because Lohan has always been called the Princess of Darkness, taking it away from Kelly Osborn immediately after she hit the scene because of her creepy vibe and general feeling of diseaseto those around her.
Satan now wants the nations of the world to stop Lohan by any means they see fit. However, Satan did mention that fire does not harm, but enhances, a redheads power, stating that drowning is the number one most effective way of stopping these evil creatures.
Also, as I side note, the proof of Satan and his unholy demons also prove God to be real in the process. Get out those Bibles folks and exorcise these redheaded demons back to where they came from.