Written by Alex99
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Tags: Letters

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Dear SK,

Regarding you request to avoid jam jars being thrown at you by your wife, perhaps you could reflect and ask yourself whether you deserved it not or not.

Six years I was woken up at 645am by a lamp being smashed over my head by my girlfriend. I really saw stars but I did deserve it because I texted a previous girlfriend about getting back together and the previous girlfriend forwarded the text to the new girlfriend-hence my lamping when she got home.

Why do you think my avatar is the way it is? Why do you think I have to wear makeup and why do you think I have a hunted look and why do you think I look like I have an axe stuck in the back of my head-do you see what I am saying? Do you think I really like looking like The Joker?

So I advise you to cut the beers from thirty to ten and take your wife out more often and rekindle the romance by going to the cinema or taking her out to a restaurant or by going to a hanging and then going home to make love by a roaring log fire.

If these do not work then perhaps you could ask your wife to throw jam jars with jam that you like to eat. In fact you could make a day out of it by going to Sainsburys and selecting the jams together. You could ask her,'Do you think this would look good on my new Versace shirt?' and if she is nice she will ruin your D'Urban suit by putting it in the washing machine instead of smashing doing your head in with a jar of Smuckers. Five hundred pound suits look great after an hours spin drying, they really do-and yes I am talking from experience because the previous girl who texted the new girlfriend actually did that and what could I say? It was done out of love and she was just a village girl from Palawan, not some city slicker from New York.

So now will you join my fan club?

Alex99

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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