I will be the first to admit that working for The Spoof! brings out my sociopathic tendencies. It's Tuesday and it's a quiet sunny day at our office in Hong Kong.I have read various news sites and nothing has caught my fancy. I was also in a bad mood because my recent story about Kim's death was not selling and was in danger of being overtaken by the silly nonsense I had written about Nancy Paulson and Larry Chukwuemeka.And then I thought, 'why not bash the militant atheists currently charging around the UK with their banners on buses that always seem to be late? It's such a waste of the money that would have been better spent on me.
So I phone up a friend of mine and he says,'yeah he will agree to discuss his views about nothing. And if I could discuss my views about something then we might have something for nothing.'Johnny arrived with this huge banner on his T shirt which said, 'I don't believe in anything.' I love the non-God squad because they are just-if not more deluded- than the so called God squad. It takes faith to believe that we came from nothing and that we are going nowhere to boot.
'Why are you forcing your views on me,' I asked him whilst parting the tea with my hands so that it separated perfectly in the China cup on the table.It's been a while since I have done party tricks like that-but John was seriously unimpressed and continued talking about nothing as if nothing had happened.
I floated in the air and glided across the room to the pantry. There was a dead cat in the bin-I don't know how it got there-it could have fallen in from the window or out of the sky or have been blown in from the condo adjacent to mine,but no matter, it was a dead cat.Anyway I blessed the cat and it was resurrected to life and walked over to Johnny who was now talking about the colour purple which was cute and a good movie as well and Whoopi should have gotten an Oscar but he basically continued talking about nothing as if nothing had happened.
I began wondering if Johnny was really as stupid as he looked-but that would have been churlish. He was just deluded.I opened the window and stepped off the balcony- which was naughty I know and I should not have done that- and then came back into the room and offered Johnny a biscuit. He took it and then said, 'Your have not been listening to a word I have been saying.'
'Of course, you're right, I said,' shortly before he left.
I get a call from Saif Guddayfee.I replied that I would be over at his place in a matter of seconds. I prefer being a cat in their household because at least I get more respect.