Written by Skoob1999
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Tuesday, 5 July 2011

image for Flying Ants - Helpful Tips And Money Saving Solutions With Martin Shuttlecock That's A Cockroach - But It'll Have To Do.

Flying ants eh? What do you do with them? Good question. On the face of it, flying ants are fucking useless. But are they?

We sent Skoob Magazine's very own Martin Shuttlecock out to investigate.

He unearthed the following facts down the pub:

* The best way to deal with them, is to stamp on them, or hit the fuckers with a rolled up newspaper.

*If there are literally millions of the buggers flying about, hit them with a saucepan, like what they do in that there Africa, then scoop up the dead ones and make them into a protein rich burger. (It'll taste like shit, but you can't have everything.)

*When the bastards are flying about in your living room, grab a spatula, and pretend you've got a Nintendo Wii, and you're playing virtual tennis. That ought to sort 'em. If Maria Sharapova walks in the room while you're doing it, deny all knowledge, drag Maria upstairs, and give her one. It beats messing about with flying ants. Trust me.

*Likewise, if you're ever confronted by flying ants, and Beyonce walks into your living room singing 'Put A Ring On It' just concentrate on her knee caps. That should sort it.

*If flying ants start swarming around your partner's genital region, it's advisable to get the fuck out of there rapido. Probably a good idea to file for divorce too. Apparently ants aren't attracted to healthy genitalia. Only diseased ones. So don't say you haven't been warned.

*If you happen to be a Spoof writer called Monkey Woods, you can safely bypass all this flying ant bollocks by moving to Thailand, then pour lighter fluid on an ant's nest and burn the little swines before they ever get airborne, Then just sit back and enjoy the carnage.

*If you're Martin Shuttlecock's brother in law, an ex Met copper from the Serious Fraud Squad with a posh gaff in Petts Wood, and a holiday home in Llubi, Majorca, you can just say: "Fuck me! Flying ants! What's that all about?" and Martin Shuttlecock will come to your rescue and kill the fuckers with a rolled up newspaper.

But don't tell anybody.

Flying ants - it's a serious business.

Think on.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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