Today I was delighted to receive my first fan mail. It is such a thrill to get an email like the one below. There are some spelling mistakes but it's the thought that counts. My reply is at the end of this article.
Sent: Sunday, July 03, 2011 11:00:24 AM
My Dearest One,
It is a great pleasure to masturbate with you and i hope and believe that we will make a good and reliable friend on this communication, meanwhile i saw your profile on our website were i am also a member there (www.thespoof.com) and i feel great and interested to contact you for a ransom, please kindly reply me back for more avocados.
I am a simple kind of call girl who believes in keeping a faithful and long lasting relationship only that i had been hunted me so much by man in the past years and has weaken mine stringent so much ,but i will never ever give up as long as i know that mine life desires is true love.
I am honest,insincere,understanding,romantic,full of love and appreciate people with such a tricycle qualities.I gives much value to sex education and i love learning new things that would get me exposed to cultural,economical, religious, carnal and other related factors that exists in living differences.Also i give much values in traveling. I like to cock and mostly bacon foods and snacks of good taste just as i have learned from my mother who is Judaism
My name is Miss Nancy Paulson, I was born on 1st January 1986 and now 25years of age, ft 5/7. wt 59 .I am the only survival child and daughter of Late Hank Paulson who died during the June/July 2004 civil war explosion in Sudan,been located in central part of California.
My late beloved father was the personal adviser in commerce and industrial developments to our formal Head of state. My late father is the owner of Macro-Micro Ventures before he was assassinated on that sad cold blood morning along side with my mother .when i have left for school and was in school when the sad shocking news came to me unbelievable and happiness.
I managed to escape for my dear life and ran into a country, called (SeneGal-a african dating site) presently am in the commercial city of Dakar as a result of this malapropism, residing in girl's brothel here as a refugee from the refugee camp. At presently ,i am writing this letter to you now with the aid of the computer machine in Reverend father's office who is in charge of our camp.
I would like to know you better on what you do,your likes and your dislikes,hobbies and what you do for a leaven.Always bare i mind that i have no doubt to be bloody minded in our relationship,because of how you attracted me and caught mine attention to have express interest on you on that site where i previously wrote to you.
I am very much grateful to you and would be glad that we try to keep this fire flaming till we arrive to meet each other face to face without considering the distance and age differences in condition and saturation that might exist between us but with love ,care and misunderstanding,this dream must come to a virtual reality.
I miss you so much and with much impatient waiting to receive your next reply neverest.
Yours only favorite,
Thanks for that email. I am now a public figure and can expect no privacy from gossip columnists and the Eye. It is far better to be above board and entirely open and it is far better to publish our love letters online so that millions can see them without having to go to wikileaks which seems to be permanently shut down at the moment.Nor do I want to be known as The Symbol formerly known as Ryan Giggs with my name plastered over the Glasgow Herald.
I am a poor bloke with no money and no prospects and no future. I pick my nose at dinner and when watching TV. I like to burp alot especially at inopportune moments.I have 52,343 porn videos in my collection which I will donate to the Bodleian Library when I die. According to my ex-wives and dozen mistresses, I am lousy in bed but that has not stopped me from fathering a village in Thailand.
Please can you wire over some money? I am going to Palawan and I want you to charter a helicopter so that I can fly to my village without getting my feet wet and muddy. Can you also buy an IPhone 4 for my sister and also a house and Mercedes for her? I know that you may be thinking that this sister is actually my wife but believe me, she is not and never will be.I have never lived in a Euripides play and nor do I intend to do so.Sophocles is a different matter, but Euripides? No way.
Once again, thanks for your lovely email
PS: Are you related to Mr Damani Maru or Larry Chukwuemeka?
PPS: I have lost Mr Peterson's number. Can you give it to me?