As a cat I am privy to many secrets of the Guddayfee family. They even talk to me and ask my advice on state policy. But how do I know-I am just a cat, but they seem to think I am more than that. Perhaps the Guddayfees are really Ewoks from Return of the Jedi and maybe I am C3PO.
Anyway, last week Saif decided to take me on a shopping trip around London. Somehow he managed to land at Heathrow and get to the centre of London. He met a journalist friend and whilst stuck in a traffic jam Saif agreed to be interviewed.
We got into a taxi and was surprised that it was driven by a tourist.' What happened to the taxi drivers,' Saif asked him. 'They are all fighting in Afghanistan,' he replied,' and we passengers are now the drivers-just like in Tunisia and Egypt. Where do you want to go?'
Anyway we got talking and it turned out that the driver used to work for the IRA before its leadership realised it could do more damage to the British economy working at Westminster or at RBS. Saif had a big argument over money because the IRA still owed Libya 200 million for an arms shipment back in the 1980s.'What happened to the WMD Saddam gave you?' 'We decommissioned them as part of the Easter Accords,' the driver replied. Do you have change for two hundred and fifty million dollars, Saif asked the bemused taxi driver. 'Will my toy gun do?' the driver replied.
We eventually arrived at our destination and the driver, Sean Miller and his co-driver Kevin O'Donnell, suddenly jumped out of the car. 'Paddy Boy,' they cried to Saif.' But I am not Paddy Boy,' Saif replied. 'He is,' and Saif pointed at Gerry Adams who was walking Amos along the road. 'Amis! Amos come back to Daddy before you squander your inheritance and give it my sister Arusha or Anisha or whoever her name is.'
Sean gave Saif a gun and then he and Kevin placed bombs under the car of Lord William Holmes and sprayed the windows with bullets.' Get in the car, and wear this red wig,' they cried and so Saif jumped into the taxi and sped away. Later on we heard that Gerry Adams had been shot by an American tourist and Paddy Boy was now the leader of Sinn Fein. He is only 17 and has more fan mail than Justin Bieber.
A lady in red is dancing with Saif, cheque to cheek as I am typing this on the big leather seat in Saif's luxury tent.
The phone rings and I pass it to Saif.'It's for you-some guy named Jack Ryan asking to know if you will accept a cheque for the cab ride.' Saif asked the caller where they could meet and next week he will flying to Fargo-so I better bring a coat.