'We tried so many times to penetrate the compound. I sent three but they all died trying, said a tearful Mr Lowton.'
But that was during peace-during a civil war it had to be easier. At my first and only office party. I drew the short straw and went disguised as a cat and after several adventures which I may describe later, I wandered into the compound of the Guddayfis which is somewhere around Trampoline.
Guddayfee's tent has a luxurious leather chair and so I immediately sat on it whilst the Libyan leader lay stretched out by the roaring log fire-such is the power of the air conditioning in the compound and which nobody was able to switch off because the on/of button is located across town.
I had obviously arrived in the middle of an argument about money proving that the Guddayfees are as normal as the rest of us. It seems that Guddayfee had bequeathed his entire fortune to the family dog who was called Amos and the dog had somehow got lost in the mail. Then I realised that being disguised as a cat was a bad idea because at that moment Amos arrived by courier.
'Libya is too dangerous for pets. And why is that cat here? asked Guddayfi. Is he yours Saif? His son replied that he did not have a pussy and it may have been Arusha or Anisha's or whoever his sisters were
Saif had just heard about the last will and testament and none too pleased to receive a small annuity governed by the whims of the family dog. 'Look,' Muhumvee said, 'you just gotta be nice to him and feed him and take him for walks and then he may give you a billion dollars. You never know-he is a pedigree, not a mongrel and he does speak English from time to time. You just gotta be nice. When you want money you say, 'woof, woof, woof' and if you want a large fries with that you add five more woofs. So, woof, woof……woof comes to a billion with ketchup on top and a gherkin if you are really lucky. Try it!' Muhumvee enthusiastically told his son.
Saif tentatively said 'woof'.' Louder,' Muhumvee said, 'he is going deaf.' So Saif woofed and woofed until he almost blew the palace down.' Perhaps you should go back to language school and buy yourself another degree.' 'No, I can do this,' Saif said. 'W.o.o.f, WOOOOOOF, Woof.
Then Anisha or Arusha or whatever her name is barged in-she's always barging in that girl, no respect for affairs of state, and said father and son were all barking. They replied they we would do anything for money. 'I will do anything for love of money,' she said, 'but I won't do that.' 'You will if you have just heard the will,' Saif told his sister. 'Woof, woof, woof,' she woofed, thus earning a billion dollars and also ruining a great song by Meatloaf.
Saif asked if the cat on the leather chair belonged to Arisha and she said it was not. Then I had a Matrix moment and said that I worked for the CIA. They were astonished that a cat could talk which is somewhat surprising since Disney has been around for decades.Unbelieveably they considered worshipping me and before I knew it I was hoisted into the air like C3PO in Return of the Jedi.
It seemed pointless to say anything.