It's pretty dangerous being a dictator nowadays, and that even goes for allegedly dead ones such as Saddam and that is why we both decided that we needed to buy some Stealth clothing for me and gender reassignment for Saddam so that we could blend in with the people and hopefully complete an assignment on webcam suicides.
Mindful of the fact that a former Prime Minister of Iraq called Nuri Said had disguised himself as a woman whilst unsuccessfully trying to escape from Baghdad in 1958, we decided that Saddam urgently needed a sex change. It's not easy finding a doctor in Trampoline who would agree to this but we fortunately managed to find a backstreet sex change clinic for former dictators, serial killers, mass murderers and banksters. Dr Frankenstein was quick and efficient and found some body parts to stick or glue on Saddam The White who was quite fetching for a dead man walking.
We were both surprised to see Gordon Brown waiting for a gender reassignment. According to Mr Brown, being a woman may help him land the job of heading the IMF. This seems a good plan-but he just needs to smile more and so I suggested he get a species reassignment and become the Cheshire Cat. Even if he does not land the IMF job he should be able to land the position of ship's mascot on a Somali pirate ship-which reminds us-we still need to pay Benjamin Lowton's ransom. We just keep forgetting-out of sight and all that.
It's lucky that Vuitton and Gucci and Chanel are all into forties retro fashion at the moment. We had a nice days shopping and I must confess that Saddam looked very pretty in a dress and a brown wig.' I need some nail polish and eyeliner and skin toner and where can we get some collagen?' Saddam asked during the trip.
It's not easy buying these in Trampoline at the moment because of the UN trade embargo on poor little Libya but somehow we bought stuff on the black market. Of course we were ripped off and when I tried to explain to a coloured marketeer called Haggardd who we were he just laughed and said he only did Balrogs for kids like us. 'But I am your leader,' I said,' I don't want a dragon, I want some lipstick and eyeliner for my fiend.' 'I will see that I can do,' Haggardd answered in a tone that suggested that he had once been an usher in hell or a bouncer outside of heaven.
Five hours later he arrived with some cosmetics but Saddam was not too pleased- he can be so 12, that guy.' I don't want Ana Sui, do you have some Issey Miyaki?' 'There's a war on,' said Haggardd. 'Do you know how difficult it is to get this?' our marketeer said. 'Do you know who I am?' asked Saddam.' I am the dead leader of Iraq.' 'Then I am JFK,' replied Haggardd, 'do you want your collagen or not?' 'If you were in Iraq you would have been dead by now,' shouted Saddam. ' Maybe,'replied Haggardd, 'but we are in Libya and we have that mad man Guddayfi to worry about here-along with his crazy son with the Googleburg doctorate. Don't you agree?' Haggardd asked me. 'Sure,' I replied, 'Wanna pretzel?'
Then we went to look for Stealth clothing and this is very easy in modern warzones after the shooting down of several American B2s and F-117s. For stealth planes they were not very stealthy, but they would have to do in the circumstances. Whoever designed them must have read the story of the Emperor's New Clothes and then charged the American taxpayers 500 billion dollars.Amazingly, nobody recognised us even tough I was wearing the wheels of a B2 bomber and Saddam was wearing the cockpit of an F-117.
We never did find out much about internet suicides and so I decided to get a lifetime subscription to Dignitas and hope for the worst.