Last week I arranged a meeting with Kim Jong Ill on the set of the new Internet TV show called 60 Murders Plus. Since the world is a stage the set can be anywhere you like. Kim is a wonderful guy who after murdering his father is now in mismanagement and is currently Emperor of North Korea. He tasked me to find a serial killer at work and interview him. It seemed dangerous to mention that I was already talking to one.
As ususal the internet was wonderful and after posting an advert for a serial killer I got this reply:
My good friend,
I read your contract payment file with great pain and tears following all you had to go through without success in the release of your fund.I wanna kill you so bad.'
Mr. Peter Samuel
This sounded like a threat to me because of the line,'my good friend. ' So I sent a reply to cestrayhorn12@hotmail. com which is a real email address-just don't wire any cash over to him. Just send it to me-I really need it right now.
Peter Samuel agreed to meet me at Banana Mamas in Hong Kong and amazingly the Lowton brothers agreed to pay for the trip because normally spoofers pay for everything and write for nothing and the Lowtons get paid-which is fantastic if you are Mark and David Lowton-but not if you are Benjamin Lowton who is currently being held captive by Somali pirates after being deported from Singapore following the closure of thespoof.co.sg.
I had made my mind up beforehand to really hate this guy but I could not but liking him and after a night on the razz we both decided to go on a killing spree. It seemed a good idea at the time, entirely whimsical-just like running for President of the USA.
Have you pushed an old woman in front of a train or pushed a kid off a building or driven at speed into a bus stop full of people? I have not but apparently it is fantastic and no wonder being a homicidal maniac like Mr Kim is such a powertrip for him and such a nightmare for normal North Koreans.
We took a helicopter and somehow arrived over the jungles of Vietnam and people began firing at us for no reason. Peter told me a grab the machine gun and start firing into the villages. I tried firing over their heads but missed and I am sure that I hit some innocent soldier instead of some dangerous mother and child. I reflected that this must have been the real reason why America lost the Vietnam War and I understand why the American military hates CBS-the embedded journalists are terrible shots and should never be let anywhere near helicopter gunships.
Then we went to Kabul and as were walking along the street we spotted a group of women. Peter suggested killing them for fun but as soon as he said this one of the women pulled an AK47 out from her hijab and began firing everywhere. I grabbed a gun from Peter and began firing back.After killing the women we were given a military commendation.
I am not sure how many people we killed that night and I am not sure that I even fulfilled the journalistic objectives as set out by the Lowton brothers.I am now a wanted man because Kim Jong Ill believes I am working for the South Koreans and for the CIA.
Of course all good things must come to an end, and as Peter turned to go he paused before taking off his hijab and I must confess that George W Bush looked absolutely fabulous as a Lady Boy.
Despite our best efforts, 60 Murders Plus was subsequently axed after viewers complained that only 52 people were killed and that the images were too grainy.