Alarmed at the recent rise in suicides over the internet in which people send emails requesting to die live via webcam, this reporter was sent to Trampoline in Libya for an exclusive. As so often happens, we were expecting a short Science and Technology article out of this assignment, but instead ended up with earth shattering headlines. This is the first part of a two part article.
I arrived at my office in a bombed out bankster office in down town Trampoline to find some photos of Mussolini and Clara Petacci hanging naked and upside down in Italy. I was worried about this because although he had several wives he did not have a Clara. So he wrote a letter to the personals columns at several newspapers in which he stated,'What are you doing on 28th April 1945? I am being executed by firing squad and I want someone to die with me.'
There is always some idiot on the internet who will answer posts like that such as the pitiable fool who answered the request to be cooked and eaten by some German Hannibal Lecter several years ago. And sure enough, your intrepid reporter had an email from Saddam Hussein who said he had tried hanging but wanted to try being shot instead-so that he could compare them and use them in his eventual purgatory trial in about five hundred trillion years from now.
'You are not what I had in mind,' I replied, 'so go and find another shooting partner-why not go duck hunting with Dick Cheney-he will shoot you for sure.' 'But I am an officer and a gentlemen and I insist on dying a soldier's death,' Saddam insisted. 'You were just a sergeant who over promoted himself,' I said.
I tried to dissuade Saddam from killing himself by showing him photos of people dying ghastly deaths all thanks to the wonders of technology and human progress.But Saddam would not change his mind and insisted on being shot because it was a soldiers death-never mind that he had never set foot on a real battlefield since 1969.Reluctantly the reporter agreed to let Saddam be his Clara.
'So what happened after the drop,' I asked Saddam whilst we both sat drinking mint tea in the very café targeted with 2000 nukes on page 27 of the American Single Integrated Operation Plan to save the world by destroying it. 'It looked pretty chaotic on Youtube with all the guards shouting and mobile phone photographers snapping away.'
There was a slight pause before Saddam said, 'The end was nigh for me and I fell down and I felt a snap and found myself falling through cyberspace. I had a white sword and when I landed I found myself fighting a huge balrog or some kind of demon. It was long fight and I fell off an icy mountain and then someone whispered to me, 'You are now Saddam the White.'
Then Saddam woke up on a hospital gurney in some kind of underground bunker and tore off the blankets and scared the daylights out of some nurses and doctors. This can actually be watched on Youtube if you do not believe us. Saddam then ran out of the bunker and suddenly found himself in the middle of children's TV program where he was given a book to read.
Saddam continued: 'Then I was asked to read a children's story and then a man whispered that I was under attack from George Bush and the Coalition of the Saddamned. I continued reading and then ran away during a commercial break.'
Saddam never finished the story and to this day is sure that the children will be forever traumatized because they didn't get to know the ending of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves or whether George W Bush married the Wicked Queen in the end.
Tomorrow: Saddam, Sex Change and Shopping