Written by Alexf505
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Monday, 27 June 2011

image for How Dying Can Lower Your Cholesterol

It seems everyday there is a new way to lower your Cholesterol. You may have heard of eating Cheerios, but that would take weeks of eating and a great-deal of money spent on cereal boxes. What if there was a way to lower your cholesterol instantly with little effort.

I met with Dr. Juan Hingo of Harvard University who explained to me that after numerous studies, the institute was able to authenticate that dying is the quickest and most-effective way to lower cholesterol.

"The secret is that when you die, you are no longer eating and your blood and heart has stopped pumping, making cholesterol pointless. The cholesterol will deteriorate as your body decomposes." Dr. Juan Hingo explained.

After hearing this, I met with sociologist, Mike Simpson, who gave insight whether or not modern society would use and follow this study to their advantage. "We live in a different time." He explained. "Back when the Romans were around, people saw dying as an honor; but, today's culture sees it as a chore and only seeks out the negative components of dying. If I was to give a child two options, one being: Getting candy today and dying tomorrow, and the other being: Dieing today and getting twice as much candy tomorrow, the child would instantly tell me option one. Studies like these prove that our society is afraid of dying even if it benefits us."

I followed up his statement by asking "What is the best way to kill yourself or die in a modern society that is exasperated by death?"

Dr. Simpson replied "One can hang oneself, jump off a building, or watch 6 hours of Jersey Shore; these seem to be the most-popular and the most-acceptable ways modern society is killing itself."

In the end of my investigation, I found that "The Dieing Diet" has increased in popularity over the web. Popular-health website, WebMD, glorified the diet by writing "This death diet is the first diet to end and prevent all diseases and illnesses."

Dr. Juan Hingo advised that only serious-risk takers should try it because it is extremely hard to quit once you have started.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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