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Monday, 27 June 2011

image for The Spoof John o' Groats Bike Run, Letter Home to Mom

Dear Mom,

I arrived in Scotland to participate in The Spoof John o' Groats Bike Run from John o' Groats Scotland to Lands End Britain, a distance of 1410 kilometers (874 miles). I planned to have a few rounds of drinks, while meeting with my spoof writing buddies, prior to the charity bike run. However, the BOA airplane was late arriving at Edinburgh Airport, I missed my coach (bus) connection and had to take a taxi to John o' Groats a distance of 260 kilometers (160 miles), via the A9 Motorway (freeway), including my MTB mountain bike in the boot (trunk).

The first Leg of the bike run was from John o' Groats to Thurso Scotland a distance of 32 kilometers (20 miles). When I arrived at the inn designated as the bike run starting point, Jaggedone (JO) had already departed for Thurso. Checking with the concierge (desk clerk smoking a pipe), I discovered there were no other spoof racers resident, as yet.

So I began to assemble my MTB mountain bike made in Britain, shipped to the USA and then transported back to the UK by me for the bike run. I discovered the rear wheel had been bent, while in the boot of the taxi. Since I couldn't totally fix the wheel, I pinched (stole) a pair of training wheels from a lad's bicycle to stabilize the MTB mountain bike, leaving him a fiver (5 pounds/10 dollars).

Off I went only to discover that these bloody people drive/ride on the wrong side of the road, nearly being hit head-on by a lorry (truck) several times. Needless to say I began a leisurely, but wobbly, ride southwest along the coast, stopping at Dunnet Head for lunch and the chance to savor some of that good Scottish ale. The Scottish lunch was great, but the brewery transport had overturned on the A836 Motorway and I was stuck with drinking Bud-Lite (American beer). I had come all the way from the states (USA) and no Guinness was available!

After lunch I set out again for Thurso and came upon all those wet sheep in the road, JO had fondly mentioned in his road trip commentary. Towards evening it began to rain again, the weather being dismal, very windy and cold as JO had also mentioned in his road trip commentary. There were local residents along the side of the road who cheered me on and noticed I was shivering in my wet cotton Pizmo Beach clothes. In true Scottish hospitality, I was given a wool kilt (commando style), a wool sweater and a tam to replace my wet clothes and keep me warm. After all, it is a charity bike run.

Finally, I arrived at the inn designated as the bike run rally point in Thurso, expecting to find JO at the bar. I guess his exuberance was too strong, as the barman (bartender) indicated he had departed on the next leg determined to ride all night through Scotland. After I consumed a few pints of ale, I was ready for a dinner of Haggis (organ meat stuffed sheep stomach) and Scottish violin music.

I have decided to end my participation in the The Spoof John o' Groats Bike Run here in Thurso. I will spend a few days here recuperating and then head for the Isle of Wight before returning to the states. I should be able to find all those spoof writers with sense, who decided not to participate in the bike run and have a few rounds of drinks with them!

Your loving son,

Philbert

P.S. All the money collected for charity by the The Spoof John o' Groats Bike Run will be donated to the United Kingdom Association of Liniment Manufacturers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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