Written by Dr Jon

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Saturday, 18 June 2011

Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander today explained candidly the background his political beliefs to lobby journalists at Westminster.

Alexander spoke at an exclusive briefing arranged after his most recent hatchet job on behalf of what is in fact, a Conservative Government.

Look, I accept that I work for the Tories, always agree with the Tories and constantly sound off in exactly the narrow minded and tight fisted manner in which most Tories have always done. I also clearly have no moral compass, am ruthlessly ambitious, backstabbing and personally objectionable. I'm even starting to look a bit like Leon Brittan.

But I'm Scottish, right? I grew up in Scotland, in the late 1970s and early 80s. Can you imagine what would have happened to me if I'd said I was a Tory? Most people I knew would have set me alight, and then my own family would have intervened to stop them pissing me out.

To be a Tory in Scotland at the time would have been a betrayal to great to comprehend, and even I can't admit my own inherent Tory nature to myself, which is why I'm sitting here busily fucking up the Liberal Party as we speak.

I'm lucky, I suppose, that Nick Clegg came along and made being a bloody Tory an essential part of progress within the Lib-Dems.

I can't thank him enough, or at least I never will, because despite all evidence to the contrary, I think I'm good enough to have his job.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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