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Thursday, 16 June 2011

image for An Embarrassing Lunch Don't expect a clean plate with an embarrassing lunch.

"Mom, can you pack me lunch today? And please…don't make it embarrassing." Anna-11

As parents, there are many ways we can ruin our children's lives. The possibilities are endless. An embarrassing lunch, however, seems to have been overlooked and hasn't been given enough attention. A poorly packed lunch can destroy a child's life and ruin their reputation. Brown bag or lunch box? Water bottle or Gatorade? Aluminum foil or Saran Wrap? These are important questions parents must ask themselves before packing lunch. One slip-up and your child will end up in a therapist's chair in their mid-30′s.

Let's discuss some possible "embarrassing lunches" so we can all sleep a little easier knowing we've avoided a major parenting faux pas.

1. A thermos of lukewarm vegetable soup to be eaten with a spaghetti-sauce stained wooden spoon. The child's response upon opening the lunch…"My mother sucks. Somebody, please shoot me."

2. An egg salad sandwich on pumpernickel, a carton of warm milk and a whole carrot, unpeeled. The child's response upon opening the lunch…"I hate my mother. She wants me to be a loser."

3. A Tupperware container filled with leftover mashed potatoes, a thermos of water and a half of a banana. The child's response upon opening the lunch…"My mother is a social retard. Where can I find a new one?"

4. A squished cream cheese and jelly sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil, a box of raisins and three Fig Newton cookies. The child's response upon opening the lunch…"Kill me now. My mother has ruined my life."

5. A container of cottage cheese to be eaten with an Elmo spoon that's been mangled from falling into the garbage disposal one too many times, a baggie of peanuts and a slice of Velveeta cheese. The child's response upon opening the lunch…"My mother hates me and doesn't want me to have any friends."

6. Liverwurst spread on Saltine crackers, a baggie of prunes and a tapioca pudding. The child's response upon opening the lunch…"My mother is a child abuser. Somebody call the social services."

7. A tuna fish sandwich made with the heels of a high-fiber bread, some celery sticks and a baggie of pickles. The child's response upon opening the lunch…"I have the worst mother in the world. I need to change schools."

8. An olive loaf sandwich on marble rye, a baggie of Cheerios and a tomato. The child's response upon opening the lunch…"My mother wants me to be a social outcast."

9. Two cold hot dogs wrapped in Saran Wrap, a baggie of day old popcorn and a half-eaten oatmeal cookie. the child's response upon opening the lunch…"I hate my life. My mother is the anti-christ."

10. A Tupperware container of this morning's leftover scrambled eggs, applesauce and a baggie of sunflower seeds. The child's response upon opening the lunch…"I'm skipping town, changing my name and reinventing myself."

I would love to hear your own embarrassing lunch stories. Mine was #4 in the 5th grade…thanks a lot mom.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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