Written by Appalling Trash

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Wednesday, 15 June 2011

image for Fran-Tique Answers Your Questions The view from Fran-Tique's apartment .

Hi, dahlings! It is I, Fran-Tique, the mega-talented socialite, celebrity watcher and closeted Murder, She Wrote fan!

I must start by saying many thanks to you for your ongoing support and sickening love.

Anyway, to the issue at hand. I've received literally tons and tons of mail from you, my sycophantic fans, so my management team has decided to allow you to post your questions and I'll answer them right here!

Isn't that inspired thinking on the part of my management? I think so!

Tata, dahlings. xx And start asking questions!

How long have you been fabulous? (Todd, USA)

Oh, forever, dahling.

Did you enjoy filming your guest-starring role in Desperate Househusbands? (Mary, UK)

It was fantastic. Moody St James (who plays Brody) was such a dear! He helped me with some of my lines....I'm a bit forgetful, you see. You know I was paid $16 million, didn't you?

I've heard your apartment in Monaco has ten bedrooms and a solid gold toilet. Is that correct? (Jimmy, Belgium)

That's almost true, Jimmy. My apartment in fabulous Monaco does have ten bedrooms, but it doesn't have a solid gold toilet. That rumour's been going around, but it's definitely not true.

Have you ever gone topless in any of your movies? If so, which ones? (Cindy, UK)

So, you like titties, do ya? My dear lez-be-friend Cindy, why don't you watch my films and find out for yourself?

I was an investor in your failed property deal with disgraced property developer Dick Branson. For those of you who are unaware, the deal included taking 10 000 hectares of Louisiana swampland and turning it into a residential neighbourhood, but the deal fell through when Branson was imprisoned for indecent exposure at a crowded shoppers' market in Kansas City. When am I ever gonna see the $250 million I lost in that #$&#%" development? (Brad, USA)

Um, no comment.

I remember seeing Something's Vibrating in the Attic (Fran-Tique's first film, 1987) as a child. Do you have any plans to make a sequel to this fantastic film? (Penelope, Ireland)

Hi, Pen. No, sorry, there are no plans to film a sequel.

Hey Fran-Tique. Last year, you signed an autograph for me at JOE'S SEX SHOP in Nevada. I just wanted to say hi. (Ivar, US)

I'm sorry, I don't know what you are talking about.

Several media commentators have stated that your next film salary will be as high as $27 million (+20% gross profit). Don't you think that's excessive? I personally think film stars' salaries are out of control. What's your opinion, Fran-Tique? (Bob, Australia)

Look, Bob, if that's your real name, I deserve that money because, you know, I have to do shit like thi......I mean, I work really hard for my money. It's not all fashion and parties and stuff like that. It requires a lot, and I mean A LOT, of hard, back breaking work!

Have you ever been married? (Marie, Canada)

No, Marie, I've never been married. The right guy hasn't come along yet.

Where did the name 'Fran-Tique' come from? (Frank, The Bahamas)

I just came up with it, dahling. I'm really creative, as you well know.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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