Dear Mr. President,
Now, I know what you're thinking - "Em, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." But my traffic-stopping good looks must make like a prom date and take a backseat for now. What we need to focus on is the fact that all of the debunkers who claim that we can't actually train a monkey to be a soldier have ignored the most important point - what if they're wrong?
Think about it this way - if we give a bunch of guns to monkeys and let them loose on a military base there are two possibilities: (1) they turn out to be excellent soldiers, and we gain a huge advantage in the War on Terror, or (2) they turn out to be terrible soldiers and instead can only be useful as monkey butlers, in which case our soldiers will no longer have to spend their energy on menial tasks like washing their dishes or flinging poo at the walls, because the monkeys can do it for them. It's clearly a win-win.
Mr. President, we cannot allow a weaponized monkey gap. It is imperative that you defund Obamacare and stop wasting time parading around the country in that stupid bus with your long-form birth certificate painted on the side. You need that time and money to organize America's monkeys. Besides, haven't they been getting a free ride for too long? We provide them with food, shelter, medical care, and don't even require that they get jobs, and all they have to do in exchange is be treated like objects that people gawk at all day long.
Dr. Em Adjineri
Senior Lecturer in Monkeyology
The University of Science