A lot of people have been asking me lately about Tombies. Some people have asked me "How can I tell if my local MP is a Zombie/Tory or just a normal Tory?" Others have asked me "How do I know that my Member of Parliament isn't going to eat me in my own home if I invite him in for a cup of tea?"
The truth is, I just don't know. I don't know what to tell these poor people, but what I usually do tell them is that Tombie identification is a very complicated affair. I generally avoid getting into specifics but tonight I thought, I'd write up a list of ten things that make a Tombie a Tombie and not just a Tory. Here goes:
Tombies were created in Margaret Thatcher's basement.
Tombies have no umbilicus.
Tombies can't run.
Tombies live in the country but their babies live in boxes.
Tombies like to be green but they still like Nuclear Power.
Tombies hunt on horseback.
Tombies had no mummies, so they weren't taught how to share or care.
Tombies have silly names like Boris and Margaret.
Tombies like building giant/fridge freezers.
Tombies eat skinny poor people but not fat ones.
I think that's about the best I can do for now. I'm still investigating the Tombies on a daily basis but for the purposes of reference I have added a list below of all the Tombie stories so far.
I think it is in the best interest of everyone to read what these stories have to say. It could save your life, and I think they might give you some clues on how to survive a Tombie attack. Please read with care, some of it might be distressing.
Be careful out there, and don't get fat.
By Katarina Frogpond