Written by Two-Gun Crowley
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Tuesday, 31 May 2011

image for 12 Great First Dates The first date ideas on this list provide the right balance of conversation and pleasant distraction.

Because dinner and a movie just don't cut it any more.

1. Meet. Interact. Communicate. Intuit. Associate. Amuse. Delight. Bewilder. Surprise. Astonish. Wonder. Prostate massage.

2. Buy a gun / Steal a car / Try to run / but you don't get far ...

3. Floss date. Do you like cinnamon-flavored dental floss? (Like a coffee date except…)

4. You meet for services at some funky unfamiliar church and see who can sing the loudest.

5. Rendezvous at midnight on the moonless fog-bound moor of soaking moss and heather, amidst creaking remnants of wooden houses staggering in the wind. Time passes. You call out each other's names. An echoing wolf-like howl seems to grow nearer from all directions. Then the quick sound of steps behind you! A drooling rabid beast's sharp white fangs sinking deep into your shoulder--that's the image that flashes through your mind when you reach out and gently tap your date. With wide eyes and heaving breath they whirl about to confront your toothy grin. "Boo!", you say. (Optional: flying of kites with attached light sticks whilst sipping dessert liqueurs.)

6. How about a "Burp the ABCs" date? Your date will have to be good if they want to impress you! Because you've been practicing. Or if you prefer, a "Burp the Moons of Jupiter" date. "Ganymede" is deceptively hard to burp recognizably.

7. We couldn't agree more with those of you who say "NO DRAMA!" Let us add NO OPERA, NO BALLET, and NO MODERN DANCE! It's all DOO DOO as far as we're concerned. Find a good action-adventure movie you can both agree on.

8. Get your date to do like a one-person intervention for you. You would have to schedule around some kind of crisis, but that shouldn't be a problem.

9. Meet somewhere where you are separated by an impassable barrier through which you can nonetheless communicate. Like a heavy, electrified iron fence with barbed wire on the top. If you hit it off, maybe your date could figure out some way to break you out of there.

10. Friends first, take it slow. Nothing but emails and letters for the first 10 to 20 years, less time off for good behavior.

11. Make ice cream using liquid nitrogen. Who has the patience for slower methods?

12. Meet for drinks. Depending on that all-important first impression, you might delicately explore each others' backgrounds and have a scintillating discussion of, say, the notion of an expanding universe being only an attempt to bootleg infinity again, and of what rearrangements would be necessary in mathematics if one, the unit, the single item, were not considered a number at all except perhaps as a convenience in calculating; or else belt down mass quantities of hard liquor and let Nature run its course.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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