Through crimson cracked eyes peering over puffy red cheeks, Senator Meisterfibber, wearily observed the members of the press, quietly settling down about him.
He stood languidly on the podium. His head, set on heavy round shoulders, wavered ever so slightly to and fro. It's very top perched two inches and six feet higher than the soles of his feet. Holding his right arm, stiff and straight in front of him, his right hand, being a full belly's length from its shoulder, latched shakily onto the back of the lectern.
With the help of his enormous belly, his thick right hand steadied Meisterfibber's enormous frame, a frame which extended well beyond both sides of the lecturn. Looking directly at the senator, one could easily come to imagine a caged elephant, hiding from onlookers behind the column to which he was chained.
As the commencement of his inquisition neared, Meisterfibber was given to pondering how the details of his activities the previous night had become imparted unto the press. Had he not become more careful since his last public interrogation, instilling more discretion in choosing his haunting and associated companions for his adventuring?
Could it be that somehow his arch enemy, Senator Chaste, had once again gained admittance into the details of his nightly enterprising, and used them to puncture the nerve of the public's virtue. If so, Senator Chaste would be credited with a route for this particular encounter, a defeat which could hold further repercussions down the road for Senator MeisterFibber.
"A remarkable man he is, that Senator Chaste", thought Meisterfibber to himself admiringly. "Such a pity he is a Repungnantcan and not a Damnocrat".
Just at that moment, the silence of the gathering was broken by a sharp voice floating upwards, from the concentric semicircles of reporters that filled the foldout chairs in front of the senator. The voice, as well as Meisterfibber could discern, was none other than reporter Snooperson from the New York Daily SomeTimes.
Snooperson, normally assigned to the paper's Metro Infringement section, had suddenly found himself chosen to cover the Washington Beat-on section through an unusual happenstance.
Apparently, just before the break of the I-Love War, the papers' prime reporter, Meddleson, had been sent to I-reck-it to cover the short comings of the countries president, Sodamn Insane's skirting of the United Nations arms inspections. Meddleson's assignment came to a tragic end in I-reck-it's capital city Bombd'up shortly before the war's beginning.
Although the exact details of Meddleson's disappearance are still sketchy, word has it that he had arrived in I-reck-it in a boisterous manner. Some claim he had been taking more than his fair share of liberties of the airline's complementary gin. Shortly after he passed customs he was seen arguing vehemently with a street vendor from which he had just acquired a hand-made Indian rug.
The argument centered on the cruel treatment of the women in the I-reck-it society and the disrespect of I-reck-it's respect to foreign cultures. When his argument gained no persuasion, Meddleson became suddenly animated and went into a temper tantrum. It was temper tantrum which led him to rip the veil off of the face of the vendor's wife and wrap it around the head of the vendor.
It was not clear if Meddleson managed to complete his task, because the eyewitnesses who viewed of the incident were obscured by the local constabulary flooding over him. Although one account did report hearing Meddleson shouting, "We shall overcome the veil of repression".
But at this point, Snooperson began:
"Senator MeisterFibber, if you would please allow me to be begin, sir", started Snooperson. "From the reports that we received from police Chief Oversight, it appears that you were really boozing it up last night. What do you have to say for yourself? Do you think that you're making a good role model for our nation's youth, reeling about drunkenly on the streets of our nation's capitol, puking on Abe Lincoln's foot at the Lincoln Memorial and urinating over artifacts in the Hirschorn's sculpture garden?"
Upon the release of Snooperson's barbed questions, a rumbling of snickering rolled over the ranks of the press. Each of it's members taking turns gloating gleefully over the plight of MeisterFibber and thinking of how well their story would look spread out over the front page of the next day's paper.
Taking a deep breath, MeisterFibber quickly checked the press' attentiveness, and seeing no verbal discontent, continued.
"It was unfortunate that none of you were present to bear witness last night, to one of the magnanimous sacrifices of modern times. A sacrifice made by I myself, and my good colleague Senator DeBoozer. But, please don't let me take all of the glory, for this noble deed I was only a small pawn in an incredibly ingenious undertaking.
An undertaking which almost led to the abrupt termination of the inglorious lives of myself and Senator DeBoozer. But, alas, the world can rest with peace of mind, thanks to DeBoozer and myself, that our precious young will be spared the horrible afflictions of alcohol addiction".
"Forgive me reporter Snooperson if I may sound so uninformed", began MeisterFibber pontificatedly. "For it appears that a misconception has been sprouted amongst us all. If you all may kindly allow me to elaborate about the events of the night before, you will find that the statements of reporters Snooperson and police Chief Oversight were delivered misconstrued. Although these errors were not rendered with malice or purpose, I can assure you, that merely from the misquoting of these events that the truth has been corrupted. If you would kindly lend me your ears, I shall now amend these fallacies".
At this point Snooperson interjected. "Senator, what in God's name are you talking about. Are you implying that by running around the city sloshed like a drowned fish, you managed to save a few kids lives from becoming alcoholics. What did you do? Spit in their beer?"
"Ah reporter Snooperson", started MeisterFibber. "During dinner last night, DeBoozer and I intensely debated the problems of drug and alcohol addiction amongst our children and what solution should be rendered to alleviate this evil. During the course of our argument, DeBoozer became so incensed with the fact that alcohol, with its highly addictive powers, should be allowed to be sold legally, while other drugs of dependence remain outlawed. So enraged did DeBoozer become, that he had convinced himself to take the immediate action of destroying every bottle of liquor in the city as his protest to such hypocrisy. He felt that he would carry his nightly actions into a national crusade to ban alcohol altogether".
Taking another deep breath and shaking his head slowly from side to side the senator spoke softly, "It took superlative rhetoric for me to convince Senator DeBoozer of the legal implications of such an action along with its possible financial repercussions. By God, can anyone imagine the unemployment and loss of tax revenue if such a conquest were carried out?"
"So upon calming down, DeBoozer generated an alternate plan of action. He called upon both of us to submit our bodies into sacrifice. We would embark upon a journey to legally consume as much of the city's alcohol as we possibly could. We would not take into consideration the implications such an action would have on our physical selves. DeBoozer felt that for every ounce of alcohol that we could consume, there would be one less ounce available to inflict its addictive potencies on a member of the young and innocent. We would conjure up the ancient David stored deep inside of us to conquer the Goliath of alcohol addiction which is running rampant in our society today."
"Thus, it was during the implementation of our plan that we came upon Police Sergeant LeBribe. LeBribe advised us to abandon our plans for the evening and to return home to sleep away our disconcertion. After a show of a small gratuity, LeBribe said that his files for the night would bear no dishonor on our part."
"So if you may now allow me to conclude this gathering, so I may attend to..."
"Oh no you don't", screeched the feminist, Judy Mannless, of the Washington Scornful. "I will not allow you to walk away from your crimes so easily."
"Your true colors of male chauvinism have shone through once again, you disgusting pig", castigated Mannless. "You were running about and whoring around last night. Just the act itself is so degrading and demeaning to women. How do you account for your crimes against womanhood last night as was reported from city councilwoman Wanton. She reportedly saw you engaging with hookers outside of 'No Itsy Bitsy's, Just Big and Buxom's' strip joint."
Wrenching hi body, awkwardly, towards Mannless, Meisterfibber's eyes opening wide and his face contorting into a shape of great bewilderment, MeisterFibber blurted out, "From whence did Councilwoman Wanton witness my presence outside of an establishment in the cities red light district?"
"From inside the 'Rods and Bods night club' which is situated right across the street."
"The male strip joint", muttered MeisterFibber to himself disgustedly.
Realizing the heat of the situation, MeisterFibber quickly slipped his hand forward and dislodged three of the microphones situated on front of the podium. "Pardon my clumsiness", he said apologetically. He then began to help the sound crew to re-establish the microphones positions. As he did this, the wheels inside his head turned rapidly. Searching for a viable solution to a problem he was totally unprepared to be confronted with.
Upon resituating the microphones, MeisterFibber began his explanation.
"My dear Reporter Mannless," he spoke with an offended tone. "I believe my record according feminist issues speaks for itself. I am very hurt and offended that anyone would imply that I would lower and degrade myself and my fellow women to partake in the act of whorism. Not only do I abhor and detest such a behavior, but I have, also, during my tenure, proposed laws which would greatly increase punishment to the participants of such an act."
"Apparently, what was seen as a sinful act by Council Woman Wanton, was in fact a legal and viable sales transaction which involved myself and Senators DeBoozer and Bedfellow".
"Now this has just gone too far", cut in Mannless.
"Please", pleaded MeisterFibber, "let me elaborate and entail all the details of my story before you crucify me."
Judy Mannless fell silent. Her eyes were burning with hate and malice. They were directed straight at MeisterFibber. It seemed as though she was trying to tear open his head with them and reveal his true soul for the world to see.
"Shortly after Police Sergeant LeBribe put an end to our crusade, we came upon Senator Bedfellow who recognized us while we were attempting to hail a cab. He said DeBoozer's distinguishable gait and stationary body sway gave us away."
"Bedfellow told us he was heading to an appointment with some very enterprising young women who had recently started a non-profit institution called the 'Comfort Coalition'. The coalition was dedicated to promoting world peace. Tonight the coalition was trying to raise money to help stop the spread of AIDS. He wanted to know if we would be interested in joining him to compliment the fund. He said it was unfortunate that since the organization was small and that the only place the company could afford headquarters was just above 'No Itsy Bitsy's, Just Big and Buxom's' in the red light district".
"We agreed to participate and met the three lovely ladies outside of the red light district establishment."
"After meeting these ladies, we were told that part of their promotion plan was to distribute condoms to those who donated to their charity. The condoms were to promote safe sex and help to stop the spread of AIDS".
"After a brief seminar on the horrors of AIDS and its prevention through the use of a condom, the ladies offered to demonstrate how effectively safe sex with a condom could be".
"I have always felt that good visual and tactile presentations are the best means to promote learning. Thus, I participated in the demonstration. I did not, however, participate in any act which involved the illicit passing of money for a sexual favor. The money was given, in earnest, to the industrious nonprofit institution of the 'Comfort Coalition'."
MeisterFibber began to carefully look over the press to assess its reaction. Everyone seemed fairly confused and befuddled over his explanation. "Excellent", thought MeisterFibber to himself, "If they cannot comprehend it, they will not be able or willing to print it. They don't want to take a chance looking stupid in front of their editor."
MeisterFibber's revelation was suddenly broken by the voice of a little know reporter from the Kansas City TrippedUp, named Bookkeeper.
"Excuse me, Senator MeisterFibber", whined Bookkeeper. "It appears that an audit performed on your campaign headquarters by the In-To-Your Revenue Service, has shown disparities in reported uses of campaign funds.
The IRS claims that a majority of campaign funds have been used for personal expenditures by you and your staff. How do you account for this? Is it my understanding that last night's undertaking may have, also, been funded by campaign funds?"
"A preposterous accusation, if I may say so myself", cried out MeisterFibber, astoundedly. "As for last night, the use of campaign funds was purely justified".
"The anti-liquor crusade was a political activity and not a personal one, mind you. As for the 'Comfort Coalition', I gave a donation which happened to have included into it advertising and promotion privileges, which would be performed in my behalf by the coalition."
"What type of advertising will be performed by the 'Comfort Coalition", squeaked back Bookkeeper.
"The simple acknowledgement in all their promotion literature that simply states 'Your generous and caring Senator MeisterFibber, demonstrated his care and concern for the stopping of the AIDS virus with the use of a condom within this fine organization'".
"Although it is possible that this motto may be shortened to simply say 'MeisterFibber slept here'".
"I shall now quote the wise words of Senator Pilferson which were given before the 'Feed Our Wallets' investigation in the defense of the Cheating Five".
"Campaign funds and all funds offered for the political stability or betterment of a person of office should be used for only that purpose. If one can justify expenditures of money for the furthering of one's political position or the receiving of funds to help them enhance a donators position, than such use of funds is necessary and legal. The American Dream has always been to gain wealth and power by any means necessary. Don't worry about justifying the means, just justify the cause and more importantly, justify the end result. Remember, your life on earth is limited, take what you can now and let the people behind you worry about the consequences. Money was meant to be spent, the future is now".
"A pilfer a day, keeps the voters in sway".
Upon completion of his remarks, Bookkeeper slouched down into his seat. He hoped that he would become invisible to all other members of the press. There was no such greater feeling in the world, to Bookkeeper, than that feeling of anonymity.
MeisterFibber then decided to take the opportunity of the press' lapse to quickly call an end to the press conference. He felt that once again he had persevered over adversity. He must now prepare to seek revenge on those enemies who had crossed him.
As Judy Mannless walked away from the press conference she stared distraughtly at her blank note pad. She felt she could not go back to her desk without a viable story to defend the cause of feminism. Then, suddenly, a thought struck her. A sliver of guiding light, one could easily say.
"Wasn't there a high school football coach, who refused locker room access to the school paper's sports writer after playoff game?" she questioned herself out loud. "Yes, of course, now I remember. He refused the reporter access because the reporter was a girl. Then he tried to cover up his chauvinism by declaring the locker room off limits to all reporters regardless of gender. He works out of Nonacedemic High School in North East Washington."
Chuckling to to herself she sneered, "I'll make him regret ever having pulled such a chauvinist stunt. That reporter will be given equal access to that locker room. She will not be deprived of her 'Weenie Rights'."
Snooperson stood on the sidewalk of Pennsylvania Avenue, erasing his tape recorder with his left hand and lighting a cigarette with his right.
"What in the hell am I going to bring back to the boss in New York", he moaned. "If I don't come up with something good, he's bound to give this beat to someone else. I can't let this opportunity slip away."
As he pondered over his plight, a limousine swerved recklessly around the corner of a side street. Swerving side to side to stabilize itself, the limousine barreled right into a homeless person walking in a crosswalk with the 'Walk' light on. The homeless person flipped through the air from the impact, landing in a moaning heap, five feet in front of the now braked car.
As the driver proceeded to step out of the limousine, Police Sergeant LeBribe walked over to the scene.
"Well, well senator Pilferson. It appears that your driver has clearly run right through a red light and hit an innocent bystander", exclaimed LeBribe.
LeBribe then pulled out his ticket book and began writing up a citation. Pilferson quickly pulled out a hundred dollar bill from his wallet and held it up to LeBribe.
As LeBribe began to pocket the bill he stated, "Well, now that I think about it. It appears that the light was green and this here homeless person was walking while the cross walk sign read 'Don't Walk'."
Another hundred dollar bill was quickly withdrawn from Pilferson's wallet and transferred over to LeBribe.
"No, now actually what happened was your car was parked and this here person, ran right into it'."
Once again another hundred dollar bill changed hands and LeBribe elaborated further. "Drugged out! This drugged out homeless person blatantly ran into your parked car and hurt himself. This looks like an Assault and Battery charge on your behalf Senator Pilferson. Would you like to proceed with pressing charges?"
The commotion had caught Snooperson's attention, who was now at the scene next to LeBribe and Pilferson. As he hurriedly jotted down the facts of the drug addict's attack on Pilferson, a loud moaning voice came from the direction of the crumbled heap.
"I.. I.. I cannnnn't moooove", spit out the heap. "I need help bad. My legs are broken."
"Oh really", snarled LeBribe. "What makes you qualified to make such an assessment. What do you think you are? A doctor?"
"But I've just been hit by a car", moaned the heap.
"I would watch what I were saying if I were you", chastised LeBribe. "A credible man like Pilferson has stated otherwise. I don't think the court would find your testimony very credible. So just shut up and stay put."
As the officer continued to write up the citation, Snooperson was quickly conjuring up the title for his next day's story.
"Drug Addict Attacks Senator In Washington", Snooperson mused. "The boss will love this one, especially with all the concern over the war on drugs."