London - Hailing the 'enduring bombs' between our two countries the US President called the Queen royal 'toast'.
"Your majesty's a living witness to our lyings...alliance!" Obama droned on.
"And a cheap sauce of Brazilians - er...chief source of our resilience!
The Queen just sat there fidgeting in her royal banquet seat, the lamb en croute aux oignons verts repeating on her every few seconds.
And then bang on cue the Palace orchestra struck up the British National Anthem as Obama squeezed out some final platitudes in what seemed like a Hollywood voice-over at the conclusion of The Last Supper.
"Jolly bad form that," the Duke of Edinburgh snarled, "talking tommy rot when The Queen was being played!"
Michelle Obama is 25lb over her evening gown's actual capacity.