Written by anthonyrosania
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Tuesday, 24 May 2011

image for UK Bans XXX Squirting Videos While Americans Laugh, FAP, Reupholster.

Fresh from England, the country that can't figure out how to merge cold and hot water in one tap, or safely install electrical outlets in a bathroom, comes the news that all pornographic "squirting" movies are banned in the UK, claiming that, instead of showing female ejaculation, it is in reality depicting "golden showers" or "Piss-Play"(1).

"Since the NHS(2) has reported that there is no such thing as female ejaculation, we can not allow 'squirters' to peddle their wares in the United Kingdom," said some, like, royal f--ker, whose name may or may not be Prince Rogers of Nelson. Doesn't matter, really, because no one to the right of the Atlantic Ocean will know who it is anyway.

"Ridiculous," responds Dr. Cassieardolla Story, a research physiologist who, using the stage name 'Cytherea', appeared in such movies as 'Squirting with the Stars', 'My Squirteenth Birthday', 'Tiny Tit Squirters' and 'A Beautiful Mind***'. "It is not some sort of retrograde urination."

"'Squirting'," Story continues, "can be physiologically explained via either Kegal contraction expressing Bartholin's glands or a build-up of fluid, forcibly released from the superficial perineal pouch. Studies including urethral catheterization prove this to be so."

Officials state that the UK's squirting ban does not include incidental vaginal expectoration:

"We are not talking about a delightful little Freshen-Up Gum blast over the tongue," Says NHS chairman Nic I. Sterling. "We are talking about being able to see the urethra open and 2 litres of of clear yellow fluid shoot skyward. Female ejaculation is not real, but what they're selling isn't female ejaculation."

"What? Really?" asks a masturbation aficianado who wishes to remain anonymous, and whose 3 children better get their asses in bed before he counts to three, or the weekend is beginning with time-outs for everyone. "I always thought that squirting = pissing. Now it's less hot."

"Look," concluded Dr. Sterling. "Make no mistake: These are indeed piss-in-my-mouth videos, and calling them 'squirting' videos doesn't make it so. I mean, I could videotape myself sh-tting while upside-down, but calling myself a chocolate sundae maker ain't changing the smell, is it?"


1 Should the word "play" EVER be modified by the word "piss"? I think not.

2 The NHS has something to do with healthcare; I think it was funded by John Lennon, 'cause he wrote about donating a soap impression of Yoko to it.

3 Editor's note: We mistakenly write above that Cytherea starred in 'A Beautiful Mind'. The correct title is 'Blow Me Sandwich 4 Featuring Negro-Vision'. We apologize for this error.

4 Made fun of the UK, John Lennon, the NHS and misquoted Happiness is a Warm Gun: Let the hatemail and 1-thumbs-up ratings begin.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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