At a press conference that was held outside of the Pentagon war room, a tipsy and giggling US President Barack Obama announced to the gathered press that the US had just "nuked a whole mess of places"
When asked why he decided to "nuke a whole mess of places" an inebriated Obama replied:
"Well, me and Senator John McCain and Senator Harry Reid were out partying it up in Old Towne Alexandria when we started talking about stuff and McCain said: 'It is getting old screwing over the US citizens. I mean, I think it would be nice to screw over someone else for a change'".
"So, you know how back in college when a bunch of us guys would start drinking some beer and somehow the subject would eventually come up: 'What do you think it would be like if we nuked Russia?'".
"So one thing led to another and we ended up going down the road to the Pentagon and ended up in the war room".
"So there we were laughing and hooting and hollering and talking about the Big Board when Harry Reid asked: 'What would it look like on the Big Board if we shot a nuke at someone?'".
"We were all like, what the hell let's send one to Moscow. So we did".
"It was pretty wild, because the missile took off from a Trident Submarine in the North Atlantic and when it did, this cartoon graphic of a missile with Mario flying it starts heading to Moscow. The missile breaches halfway over Europe and then drops down onto Moscow".
"When the missile hits Moscow, a big mushroom cloud appears where Moscow was and then this Chinese music starts playing and then big dish show up with mushrooms and duck. The dish stays for a few seconds and then disappears and is replaced by a big black circle.
When we looked closely at the circle on the map, the first three letters of Moscow were blackened over and just 'cow' was left".
"That is when McCain put his hands up to his head with his index fingers pointed out, bent over and yelled: 'MOOOOOO' and then started to run about the War Room".
"We all just broke up laughing and started falling all over the place".
"We sent one to Beijing and when it hit on the Big Board the B and e in Beijing were gone leaving 'ijing'. That is when Harry Reid started singing: "I jing a ling a ling with my ding a ling a ling'".
"That left us in stitches for a good twenty minutes".
"It was weird because when we sent missiles to Tehran, Pyongyang and Tripoli they all went to Wisconsin and blew the whole state up. I mean, the entire state was black".
"Hell, cheese is so overrated anyway. I hate the Packers. Honestly, is anyone going to miss it?"
Obama ended the news conference by inviting the press into the war room to see what names would be left of the names of a bunch of cities in Canada.
"Man, we're going to finally give the Canadians some warm weather".