Written by MonkeyInTheBath

Print this

Thursday, 12 May 2011

image for The Secret Diary of an Al-Qaeda Leader aged 53 1/4

US agents have today released the personal diary of Osama Bin Laden, which gives a fascinating insight into his mental state and how he managed to run a global empire of terror from his shed.

There follows edited extracts taken from earlier this year:

January 22 2011.

Dear Diary. Wife 3 burned the soup again today. I told her if she does it again, Allah won't let her into paradise. I'm secretly hoping she will do it again. I don't want her interrupting me when I'm with those 72 virgins.

January 24 2011.

I don't have the internet so I had to write a long letter to explain to other Al Qaeda members how to groom young men. For suicide bombing I mean.

January 27 2011.

Took a really big shit that completely blocked the toilet. I called the plumber, but when he came round he nearly caught me with my anthrax kit. I had to hide it up my robe!

January 29 2011.

Some days I get so sick of being stuck hiding in my room. I feel like Anne Frank.

February 6 2011.

Got a package from Al-Zarqawi today - a DVD with the latest series of The Hills. That Spencer is such a douche, I don't know what Heidi sees in him.

February 11 2011.

Only 7 months until the big day. I can't wait.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


65 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more