Written by MonkeyInTheBath
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Thursday, 12 May 2011

image for The Secret Diary of an Al-Qaeda Leader aged 53 1/4

US agents have today released the personal diary of Osama Bin Laden, which gives a fascinating insight into his mental state and how he managed to run a global empire of terror from his shed.

There follows edited extracts taken from earlier this year:

January 22 2011.

Dear Diary. Wife 3 burned the soup again today. I told her if she does it again, Allah won't let her into paradise. I'm secretly hoping she will do it again. I don't want her interrupting me when I'm with those 72 virgins.

January 24 2011.

I don't have the internet so I had to write a long letter to explain to other Al Qaeda members how to groom young men. For suicide bombing I mean.

January 27 2011.

Took a really big shit that completely blocked the toilet. I called the plumber, but when he came round he nearly caught me with my anthrax kit. I had to hide it up my robe!

January 29 2011.

Some days I get so sick of being stuck hiding in my room. I feel like Anne Frank.

February 6 2011.

Got a package from Al-Zarqawi today - a DVD with the latest series of The Hills. That Spencer is such a douche, I don't know what Heidi sees in him.

February 11 2011.

Only 7 months until the big day. I can't wait.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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