Today I spoke to Raymond Rainbow, a philanthropist with a difference.
Me: "Raymond, you've just opened a help centre in East London for the less fortunate?"
RR: "Yes, that's right. We have set up the centre to help the pooer, to give them a place to stay and get some refreshments."
Me: "The pooer? I hope you provide them with a bathroom as well."
RR: "Yes of course, we have a full set of facilities there. Pooer people are more likely to live in insanitary conditions."
Me: "With lots of poo, I assume."
Me: "Who else do you try to help? How about the pee-er?"
RR: "Oh no, definitely not. Pee-ers are well enough off already. I don't think we'd help them if they came in."
Me: "Not even just to use the bathroom."
RR: "I suppose that would be ok. But if one of them came in we'd probably ask them to make a small donation."
Me: "Ah, so you are collecting too. What do you plan to do with it all?"
RR: "We hope to build more centres in other cities across the UK, then even across the world."
Me: "You would build a centre out of people's 'personal donations'? The pooers and the pee-ers."
Me: "Wouldn't that smell a bit?"
RR: "No. Why?"
Me: "Because of the... Are you doing anything to stop the pooer?"
RR: "Stop what? Stop people from being pooer?"
Me: "Well obviously everyone does it sometimes. How often do you have to do it to be considered a pooer?"
RR: "I don't understand. It's not something that you do, it's a way of life for these people. It's a permanent feature of their lives, they literally never stop being pooer."
Me: "How does that happen? Do they eat a lot?"
RR: "No, actually quite the opposite. Often they don't eat enough."
Me: "So they don't eat very much, and that makes them defecate all the time?"
RR: "Er...no. I really must ask why you have such an obsession with the toilet."
Me: "But you are a charity that helps people who go to the toilet a lot?"
RR: "No, we help the poo-er."
Me: "Yes, exactly! Ok, I think that's all we have time for. Thank you very much for coming here and talking complete shit!"