Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 4 May 2011

image for Crack Whore-O-Scopes: Summer 2011 The 2011 Crack Whore Astrological chart

Just in time for Spring and Summer, the Astrological Star Society based in Jackson Hole, Wyoming has expanded its customized translations for the workforce by including specialized astrology readings for working class women and men in the Crack Whore profession. Starting in May, the A.S.S. will publish new insight gleaned from the stars to guide your personal and professional lives. The stars are aligned. It's a great year to be a Crack Whore!

Aries (March 21-April 19) Should focus their attention on relaxation and spiritual growth after their birthday. Kick your feet up onto an empty cabbage crate and sit back on the porch of an abandoned house and enjoy the summer, at least until you need another rock.

Taurus (April. 20-May 20) Take a vacation with your gas station attendant cousin who still knows how to boost a car. The next town down the road has lower demand and better prices on Crack anyway.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) Take the opportunity to do that set of twins still asking to double team you. There is no better time to make a quick 40 bucks.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) It's not just an astrological sign any more based on the black spots growing on your lungs. You can't see them so no worries. Spark up a fresh rock and forget about why it hurts to breathe!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) The teeth of the lion are starting to rot and fall out in jagged little pieces. This may impact a percentage of your impromptu street business. Ask your pimp to help you remove what's left (he'll know what to do), and then raise your prices.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) We're long past the days of virginity now, eh, Miss Virgo? Show those pigs from high school who voted you "Most likely to become a spinster", what a pretty decent $25 Crack Whore can do when you need a fresh rock.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Its all about new partnerships this summer. Hook up with a better Pimp who has his own crash pad, and a few pillows for you to string out on. Nothing says home like having the ability to sleep in your clothes and pee on the floor.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Its finally time to eat. Those leg wobbles you've had all day aren't the result of an earthquake, you just forgot to feed yourself this week. Save a buck from you're your last "ride 'em cowboy" and hit the dollar menu at Mickey Dee's.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Time to think about a little Spring cleaning, namely, changing your underwear. Get the gang together at the abandoned flat and you can change with Monica, Rosie changes with Glitter, and Angel changes with Bob.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Check yourself into rehab again, but only long enough to pick up some of that premium prescription med you can sell on the streets. It's the Crack Whore bonus program.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 1) Your upbeat and crack induced smile somehow endears you to a regular customer who owns a 1997 Ford Taurus Station Wagon. This is your "Pretty Woman Moment". Ask the wealthy patron if he'd like to take you home. Don't take it too hard if he laughs.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Not just the sign of the fish, but also the preponderance of odor spilling out from below your beltline. Best to use a few bucks to find a cream that mellows that tuna smell, and stay out of the mayonnaise aisle, we mean "talk to a pharmacist". If you're stoned and can't pronounce the name, just ask for the "Drug Doc".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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