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Wednesday, 4 May 2011

image for Man with three buttocks denies having an advantage in Arse Kicking Competition Is that a record?

This year's district games were once again held at the Sir Oswald Mosely Memorial Playing Fields, and the fine weather helped to attract a record number of visitors.

Alongside the staging of all of the traditional local sports, there was also more trade stalls and side-shows than ever before, including those of Mick's Spliffs, The Department of Health and Social Security, Legal Aid Solicitors, The Massed Ghetto-Blasters of the Fairhaven Social Housing Scheme, and the Thames Valley Police Mobile Surveillance Unit.

The opening ceremony saw a thirty minute spectacular by the Belgian National Projectile Vomiting Display Team, which was very well received, and was rewarded with a sustained round of applause by all those that witnessed it.

The games themselves commenced with the "Self-Induced Face-Lift" event, which was won by local girl Nikki Brown, who picked up first place having wound a standard packet of hair bobbles around her pony tail to a staggering tension of 15 mega-joules - equivalent to the effect of hanging a mark two Volkswagen Golf from her hair.

As always the tattoo section was very popular, with Wayne Attlee walking away with the prize for Best spelt home-made Tattoo. His winning limb featuring the names of his eight children with only two minor spelling errors - a remarkable achievement indeed! His current girlfriend, Wanda Gaitskill made it a family double when she took first place in the art section with the full length depiction on her back of the legendary Woolworths shop-lifting raid of 1994 during which over 50% of the store's stock was removed in a single afternoon.

The "Most Inappropriate Use of The National Flag" event was a close fought competition which was finally won by Mrs Vera Palmerston with her customised colostomy bag. She had been keenly challenged by Brian Heath who had entered his bell-end on which he had drawn the flag using a biro. Unfortunately, during the judging, Mr Heath was unable to contain his excitement, resulting in the flag being displayed upside-down thus leading to his disqualification.

There was some dispute when Lance Wilson was accused of having an unfair advantage in the individual arse kicking competition due to his naturally occurring third buttock. Mr Wilson vigorously denied that it gave him any advantage and a heated dispute took place. In the event, it mattered not as the prize was taken by visiting American Troy "Kick-Ass" Bush, who managed to kick himself with such force that he required admittance to the district hospital for treatment. Local honour was restored by Bev Thatcher in the doubles event when she gained a new games record by punting her boyfriend an impressive eight feet, ten inches with a single well aimed swing of her Reebok.

In the minor events, John Baldwin took first place in the "Largest roll of fat on the back of the neck" competition, Andy MacMillan won the 'Inappropriate remark to the wife's sister" event, and Winston Salisbury secured first prize in the "Undetected borrowing of ten pounds from the girlfriend's purse" race.

The games wound up in fine style with the traditional race to Cash-Converters with the neighbour's TV, followed by the spending of the proceeds in The White Lion.

All in all a most enjoyable afternoon was had by the district's dysfunctional extended families.
The event is scheduled to take place again next year, providing that the council can clean up the mess left by this years event in time.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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