Republicans are outraged that President Obama has gotten around to killing terrorist matermind Osama bin Laden.
"I'm crushed," said House Speaker John Boehner. "What are we gonna do now? After this it's gonna be a lot harder for our Tea Party friends to say Obama's a terrorist, or that he's secretly a Muslim. Who's gonna believe that nutbag shit now? A few people will say that it's a hoax, that Osama's not really dead. But most Americans will breathe a sigh of relief and be glad to move on. It's the most shameless ploy for popularity I've ever seen from these godless, vote-hungry Democrats."
"We Republicans have already slowed our momentum a bit by going after Social Security and Medicare. We've already seen a bit of a senior backlash. Didn't we learn anything from Bush and his bungled attempt to privatize Social Security? Apparently not.
"For years, Republicans have been the party with balls, ever since the first Bush publicly defeated Dukakis in an arm wrestling match at the Pentagon. Now Obama is invading all over the Middle East. Who deoes he think he is, George W. Bush? Just days ago he killed one of Khadafi's sons with a bomb, taking a page from the Ronald Reagan playbook. Now he does this! He's done in three years what Bush couldn't do in seven! How dare he steal our balls! The Republicans are supposed to have balls! We're the macho, war crazy guys! The Democrats are supposed to be the wimps. This is the only thing that could improve Obama's image with white males, who are otherwise lost to him.
"That bastard! He dares give the American people a reason to feel patriotic again, and at a time when our low spirits could really use a boost!"
Former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani says he's glad but not elated by the news. "Frankly I think I did a better job of exploiting the 9/11 tragedy for political gain. Myself, I would have had Osama tortured on Pay-Per-View."
Radio ranter Michael Savage admits it's going to be tought to find a way to bad spin on this story. "It's true, I'm at a loss," Savage admits at his home by the bay, surrounded by old photographs of himself giving handjobs to Allen Ginsberg. "I'm famous for screaming 'Kill the Muslim rats!'on my show. Now Obama has killed the biggest Muslim rat of all. I plan to criticize Obama for acting so serious during his speech. He was almost grim, and everyone knows he was avoiding acting celebratory, which might have inflamed bin Laden supporters in other countries. So I'm going to say, 'How dare he care what other countries think? This coward is worried what the Tunisians think?' That's basically all I've got."
Fox News president Roger Ailes agrees it's going to be tought to get throught this story. "If we criticize the killing, we look unpatriotic. If we hint that it's all a hoax to boost Obama's sagging popularity, we look like conspiracy nuts. Oh, why did we ever fire Glenn Beck? He wouldn't be afraid to go for the conspiracy angle."
In England, the Queen was reported to be not amused. "People were supposed to be talking about my Royal Wedding for the next three months. Now this swarthy bloke has given people something else to talk about, and just days after! How could he? The horror! The most dreadful horror! My poor wedding! I just turned on the telly and all the news was about Osama. Not a thing about my Prince Willy." The Queen broke down sobbing for a minute, but soon regained her steely composure. "He's just lucky he didn't do this on my Wedding Day," she said. "My personal M15 hit squad would be after him in a minute."
Experts say the event could give Obama an immediate boost of three to five points in the polls. After that, it's anyone's guess. Some say the effects will be temporary,while Democrat supporters are hoping for a boost of up to ten points. Sarah Palin is expected to help the Democrats as well. No one is sure what she will say about Osam's death, but whatever she says is expected to be really stupid.
There is some good news for Republicans and their chances in 2012. Just ask Joe Podezski, a regular guy from Allenhurst, New Jersey. "Why should this change my fickle nature? Gas is still four bucks a gallon. Sure, world security is great, but come on. It's my wallet that's important, and my right to spew gas fumes all over the country without regard for the environmental consequences. Sure, I'm glad Osama is dead. I'll even give Obama a little credit. But I'm American. My long term memory goes back about four seconds. When it's time to go to the polls this will be ancient history."
In summary, Podezski remarks, "If Obama doesn't do something about gas prices, he's still screwed."